My mother seems to look at me as though I am the worst mistake that she has ever made and I suppose that, in a way, I actually am. She married my father and gave birth to me whenever she was fourteen years old. That couldn’t have been a good experience for an actual CHILD to go through. It still shocks me to see pregnant women in my school. My mother has even turned me against having children altogether. I don’t want to go through the pain and, though it sounds very sexist, I don’t want to go through what most men seem to put women through. I’ll admit, I am probably wrong on this, because not all people of one age group, race, or sex are the same. I understand this fully, but I’ve never really seen a man who treated a woman well and stayed with her forever, and those that do become broken by that woman because they seemed to have chosen the worst person to fall in love with. Then, they just can’t be like that to another woman, for fear of being hurt again. I’ve seen a few men like this.

The boy, which I’ve told you about so many times -the one that I’m in love with- he treated me really well. It was the first time that I began to realize that, maybe, not all men are the same. They may have the same thought process, but they are not the same. Little things of him just make it so hard to forget…

See, I went through the worst relationship I’ve ever been with for years. I came out of it hurt and broken. I was humiliated and desperate for someone to heal me. After three months of feeling useless and embarassed, I began to become aware of the other men around me. This boy, Luke, was in a couple of my classes, and I noticed how his friends treated him -it wasn’t good. I had just recently befriended the “nerd crowed” and he was one of them. I had known these people all my life, but rarely spoken to them. I’m glad I gave in and decided to befriend them, because I found solace in their group. I found that we had so much in common pertaining to things such as computers, certain TV shows, and gaming. Just simple things like that that I found us to have in common. Well, out of them, I made about four best friends.

Luke, was one of them. At the time, I didn’t really know him that well and I’ll admit, I did join in the teasing a little, because he just smiled and laughed along with his friends. But then, I saw something that no one else saw. Whenever he was teased, the skin around his eyes tightened, the pupils became deeper, and they took on a new color. Rather than the ocean blue that they were whenever he woke up that morning, they turned to bitter ice. I saw it, and from that moment on, I refused to join in the teasing. In fact, I began to “protect” him, in a way. I’ve spent my entire life working, and I’m not saying that I’m a bully or anything, but not many people really want to pick a fight with me, because of my upper body strength. I began to make people stop hurting him so much. I defended him against his friends as well as his enemies. After a while, they wouldn’t touch him.

It took a lot for him to do it, but he later thanked me for being so nice to him. I think that’s why we wound up together. During the few months that we were with each other, he done small things that made me fall in love with him more than I have ever loved in my entire life. Just simple things like even the way that he held my hand made me feel special. That’s the first time that I realized my first love wasn’t really a love-love relationship; it was a love-hate relationship in stead. Anyways, he done little things like support me whenever I went through really tough times, held me when I cried, and was always there to talk to. Then, my best friend kissed me one day, then went to school and told him that I had kissed him back and instagated it and everything. Luke told me that had happened to him before, and he let her come right back to him and she broke his heart in two. This is the girl that I believe he may still love… Anyways, that caused us to break up, but I called him begging and crying, and we got back together. After that though, he loved me in only a physical way rather than an emotional way. There was emotion there, but emotional and physical love must be balanced in a relationship. The last time, it was balanced, but after that, it was about 90% physical and 10% emotional.

We stayed together for another month or so after that, and I never stoped loving him, not matter how hard I tried -and trust me I have been trying for about 3-4 months. He broke up with me for various reasons. He wrote me an email that said that he felt in his heart that we should be friends. He told me on the phone, it was because he was having troule at home with his parents spliting up. Well, I accepted that and spiraled into a depression. The entire summer was horrible. I just cried and cried, and injured myself. Then, not too long ago(maybe a month) I wrote him and slightly told him how I felt. I told him that I loved and missed him and wanted to know if I should move on. He said; “Kristy, please move on, I hurt you so bad and don’t deny that I did, because I know that I did, and I don’t want to chance hurting you ever again. I couldn’t stand myself if I hurt you again.” At that very moment, I deadened everything inside myself. Every emotion that I had I just completely killed. I pushed it from myself. Everytime something hurt me after that, I didn’t feel it. I’d start to cry, then it would just disapear. I didn’t want to feel anymore, and I didn’t.

That changed yesterday. I finally came clean and told two of my friends that I still loved him and told them exactly how I felt. They both came to school and told him, and I told them it was okay I didn’t mind, I just didn’t think that it would help. Anyways, I didn’t think that it done any good because all he said to them was, “oh.” Well, I got into fourth period yesterday and he began to act differrent. He gave me his coat to lay my head on and sleep, he emailed me through the school email(which he never ever does) and whenever I went to warm my hands on his arm(which I do everyday) he didn’t push me away. In stead, he put his hand on mine(something that he strictly wouldn’t do before) then stared at me for a moment and, realizing what he done, he pulled away. He hugged me frequently, then we went to lunch. One of my friends embarassed me about something, and he pulled me into his chest into a hug and just held me there for a long time…

I’m so confused, because, the girl that he loved before, he still stares at her and stuff(but he done that whenever we were together) so maybe they really are just friends. But still, I’m wondering what will happen in fourth period and lunch today. I’m absolutely terrified that he will go back to acting the way that he did before, and I will realize that I was completely wrong about the way that he was acting yesterday and that the last 24 hours of thinking about him were a complete waste. I don’t want to go through that. I’ve been brooding over this constantly, and smiling. I don’t want to be disapointed. I hate my shyness, because that prevents me from actually approaching him and telling him how I feel. I’m afraid of going to fourth period. It is only first right now, but I do have him in second period too, so I’m a little afraid of that too… But he doesn’t actually sit by me in there so I don’t know…

The thing about my mother, well I have no idea of what I am going to do… She jsut looks at me like she hates me sometimes. I get screamed at whenever I try so hard. Nothing is ever good enough, but one good thing is, I’m done letting that bother me because I know that I am good enough. My mother is selfish, and there is nothing that I can do about that. I mean, she has given much to me, as do every parent, but still… Everytime that I ask for anything, even if it is new socks, I’m screamed at because of it. She refuses to buy me books even, and all that I ever do is read. She says that I am “taking advantage of her.” And, everytime that I come to her with my problems she says; “I don’t need any of this teenage drama, get out of my face.” She even makes fun of my problems sometimes, and she doesn’t know half of what I go through. She makes up the craziest stuff and actually believes that I do it. I try very hard to be a good person. I give everything I have to my friends and family, help with whatever they need, and I rarely ever ask for anything and whenever I do it’s wrong. She thinks that everytime something goes wrong its my fault and I won’t even be there. I’ll be at my fathers, yet it’s still my fault. I’ve gotten to the point lately where I just ignore it and don’t argue with her, but that seems to make her angrier! Eh, I think it’s because of the new inluence my stepdad has on her. Everytime something goes wrong, he analyzes what he “thinks” happened, and strangely, it’s always something to do with a fault of mine. I hate that. I love him to death, but he feeds her all of this junk that isn’t true…

I’m still confused about the future too. I really want to be a writer, but I have no money for a publisher! I’ve tried to be published for years! It’s just too expensive!!! That’s so frustrating!!!

Eh, I’m sorry that I’ve written so much… I still didn’t write all that I thought about…LOL!!!

*~Kristy Michelle~*