I’ve been struggling lately with a lot of feelings. I was molested for 9 years, which no one knows about. I thought I had this all resolved, but now its coming back. There’s this guy that only I can see, who tortures me and lately he’s been saying things like “why’d you let those boys do that to you? Because you liked it.” and I’ve been telling myself that I didn’t let them, that it was never my choice, but now I’m not so sure. Did I let them? Did I want them to do that? I always hated it, but maybe, secretly, I did want it. I mean, if I had have wanted them to stop, wouldn’t I have stopped them? Wouldn’t I have done something? I remember hating it and wishing it would stop. I have nightmares of the boys pushing me around and doing that to me and the people who would sit and watch it, laughing and yelling things. I haven’t been able to sleep for a couple days, because everytime I close my eyes, I can see all those people. I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell anyone. I tried once, and they didn’t believe me. And I don’t really want anyone to know. It’s really embarrassing and it hurts me to think about it. I know it sounds weird, but I still love those guys who did that to me. I hate everyone else it the world, but to me, those guys matter. I still see all those people all the time. They no longer hurt me, I’m 15 now and I can defend myself. I hate all those people who watched it and when they are around, I glare and get defensive. But those guys, I feel like they did, at one point, love me. Even if I was too young to understand.
Idk, I just needed to write out some feelings and ask some questions. Because I can’t handle this right now.