I came across S.A.F.E Alternatives while researching help for depression etc. I was on TWLOHA’s site and there it was; the link. I clicked and began reading some of the blogs. Everyone on here has compelling stories that can help anyone in need.
I can relate to many of the stories on here. My SI started about two years ago, along with the depression that I still struggle with today. It was really bad at first. I just didn’t feel good enough for anything. My grades were failing in school, my parents didn’t understand me, etc.
My parents never found out about my SI until a while after it had started.
And the story goes something like this:
My parents had gone through some of my belongings in my room because they were “worried about me.” Obviously they realized something was going on but they didn’t quite know what it was. They came across a notebook that I had written in alot at the time. I wrote alot of deep and dark things.
The day seemed normal, I woke up, got ready and went to school. In homeroom, before school even started my parents came to pick me up. I was really confused as I walked down the hallway to the office where they were waiting. They didn’t tell me what was going on until we got in the car. My mom told me that they were worried about me and they wanted me to get the help that I needed. So, they took me to the emergancy room at the local hospital for a mental health evaluation. I was made to change into one of those hospital gowns and told to sit in this plain room with nothing but a bed and two chairs. Doctors came in. I had tried so hard before that to conceal those self inflicted wounds from the night before. But there they were; in plain view. My mom saw them, she asked why. I had just been crying the whole day, and I felt no need to explain.
We waited in that small, plain room for maybe 4 hours until the social worker came in to evaluate me. It was intimidating, I must say. I didn’t answer the questions as honest as I could have; I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to let anyone in on what I was really feeling on the inside.
The worker recomended therapy and counsling, which I told my mom I was not going to do. The first thing that came to my mind was “why would I tell some random stranger about my what I feel when I don’t even tell my closest friends?” So my mom did nothing about it. She never made any appointments or anything. So that ranked as one of the worst days of my life that year.
After that I don’t remember much of how I felt about anything. I know I stopped SI for a while, but once you do it the first time, you know it’s something you can always rely on.
This past week was one of the worst weeks of my life. My depression brought me the floor in a complete breakdown five days straight. I also struggle with anger and anxiety, and lately I’ve had alot of stress in my life.
But this past week I completely felt like nothing was worth it anymore. I didn’t want to feel like this anymore, the only thing on my mind was death; suicide. The only thing I wanted to do was take the easy way out. But I knew I couldn’t be that slefish.
I woke up every morning and right then, I felt nothing but sadness. I didn’t want to go to school and have to deal with that environment. I hate it there, I hate the people there. It’s just a bad situation all together. I felt as if I had nothing to live for. I lashed out at my parents and my mom said to me “you need to stop being so miserable.” In my mind I was just thinking how much she just doesn’t understand what I’m going through. I know everyone deals with pain, but not everyone deals with depression and anger on an everyday basis. And those who don’t, don’t understand at all what it’s like. You can’t just stop from being sad, miserable etc. You can’t stop those feelings.
This week I’ve SI’d. I’ve felt as though I’ve hit rock bottom. And at this point, I don’t know how to pick myself back up.