And ive been relitivly good. No S.I for almost 4 months, and I slipped up again friday. It wasnt even a bad day! I dont even know what made me do it. I was at school all day, had all my work done, and was ready for 7 hours of college biology, and first break we get im off to do what I hadnt even thought of doing in a long time. I dont know why i did it. Maybe I missed how it felt? I wanted the attention? I dont know. I didnt tell anyone. No ones seen me without clothes on to know what ive done. So i doubt its for the attention. Its just driving me crazy thinking about WHY i did it.
I had origonally thrown away all my “supplies” the night my nephew was born. We were at a hospital and they had biohazard containers to throw away sharp stuff in the bathrooms, it was the best idea id had in a long time. It felt good to get rid of it. i felt so much lighter. that was back in June. well, two weeks later i was freaking out. I didnt WANT to s.i. but i couldnt stand not having my things with me 24/7. reguardless. i bought new things, and well, “restocked my supply.” i feel like im talking about drugs, and in a sense, s.i is my drug. it makes me feel better, but only for a little amount of time. i look at what ive done and i feel stupid and useless. it makes me feel worse that i did it two days ago, than the origonal high i sought out to get from it. i just dont get why i do it when my day was perfectly normal. maybe i wanted a little excitment in my day, who knows?
i dont plan on s.i-ing again anytime soon, but i cant control myself when i want it. i look and i see scars that ill have to live with for the rest of my life. And they look terrible, at least to me. i used to love having the scars, something to be “proud” of. and i have to admit at times… i still enjoy looking at them, knowing i was strong enough to overcome the hardships of my life at the time. but other times, i hate them. i hate myself because of them. but im learning to deal with it. i just keep myself so occupied that i dont give myself the time to think about s.i. oh well. no use getting myself depressed at work. thanks for listening.