Okay, so as I’ve mentioned before it is my goal to graduate early, Junior Year. Why? Well because I cannot stand being in high school any longer. It’s tolerable, but why bear through when I have the option to start the life I want to live. I want graduate early and start college. Yes, I’ll only be 17 (I’m young for my grade) but that doesn’t matter. It’s not only my school I’m trying to escape, but also my family.
It’s not my mom at all, I love her more than anything, but it’s my dad…and sort of my little sister. Okay, so my sister is a brat. I know everyone thinks about their little siblings but it’s too true about mine. She is the “leader” amongst her friends and treats them badly whenever she feels like it and then makes them beg for her forgiveness. She reminds me of my childhood bully and I think that’s exactly what she’s going to end up like.
As for my dad, he just takes over my life. He says I can’t graduate early because I haven’t been showing my full potential. I have all A’s and B’s. He’s just mad because I do not like sports. Not now, nor have I ever. I played basketball ever since 3rd grade, swam since 5th, and played soccer since 6th. I stopped playing basketball in 9th grade, stopped swimming in 7th grade, and stopped soccer in 9th grade. I tried playing them all for a long time, but didn’t find interest in any of them. He won’t accept that. He just won’t accept that I am not athletic! I’ve found my passion in writing. That’s what I want to do, is become an author. My mom let it slip that he said once I get my book rejected I’ll quit that too. How am I ever suppose to build self confidence when my own father doesn’t believe in me?
I want to get away from it all. I’m tired of living this way. Dreading waking up in the morning having to endure the seven hour long day, then becoming stressed at the thought of coming home only to be yelled at for doing nothing. It’s an awful way to live.
I took a walk the other day on a country road and thought how great it would be to get up and leave. Just leave. No goodbyes or anything. I wondered if my dad would finally see reason. He’s driving me away each day. The only thought in my head is when I finally do get to go to college, I won’t come back. And how could one blame me? Come home to this life I wanted so badly to leave? Why should I?
And now I think I’ve fallen. I’ve stored all my confidence in this boy hundreds of miles away from me. Stupid thing to do? Yes. Why’d I do it? Well, have you ever had a gut feeling about something, about something being just right. Well, that’s how I feel now. Everything about him feels like it’s good and it will work about. But my pessimistic self is saying he is too good for me and will find someone else. So I have so much faith in him, but am still worried that if he does find someone else, I’ll be crushed.
All of this is stressing me out. I keep SIing and sometimes coming on this site is very discouraging only because I read the blogs of all these other girls who are doing so well and haven’t SI for a year and I can’t even go a week. They want to stop, but I don’t. I can’t find it in me to actually want to try. I don’t see the point. It’s the only thing I can turn to, or so it seems.
I wish for a million things, but right now I couldn’t wish for anything more for it to be the summer and I was with him. I was at the beach and was able to be myself even if the time lasts only for a mere seven days.