I rely on the tools and I’ve been doing well. But I told my therapist something that it’s my first instinct to label as “bad.” A secret about the si and where I do it that I just relate to totally different than any other part. It was in conjunction with a session about shining light on something else that I was scared of talking about. It felt good. I kept feeling like he was just going to disappear while I was talking but he stayed there and I stayed present. But then the thing about the si… This doesn’t make sense but I have this strong feeling like “it,” though I’m not sure what I mean by that, doesn’t want me to tell what I told and and now it really wants me to punish myself. I’m listening to music, going on walks, trying to get tedious bits of work done that I’ve long procrastinated on, taking baths, going shopping. Soon I’ll start reading a spiritual book that I’m looking forward to. So this is all good.
I’m trying not to identify with the urges, just let them pass through. I’m thinking over and over an Eckhart Tolle quote, “Can I be the space for this?” Not the event of the urge but just the space it passes through. But, in plain language, it just sucks to be dealing with urges day after day and I get so confused about what I want. I feel like I want to escape reality however I can- I feel like just get me out. I want out, out, out.
And I feel mad that my therapist will see this as positive- that I haven’t injured. I feel like I don’t care about the phenomenon of injuring or not injuring. I just want the urges to go away and I see it as so sad and horrible that they are sticking around. I have really good parts of the day. It’s not like my life is falling apart. I think it’s actually coming together for maybe the first time ever but I’m reminding myself constantly that what I want is to know reality more and more deeply- that I don’t want anything that will take me away. So I meditate and make lists and accomplish simple things but sometimes it feels so bad. I feel like I just need to cry and cry. It’s been such a long time since I really felt the sadness I know I have but I can’t quite get to it and I know that trying to get to it- grasping for it- won’t work. I know I have to stay present and breath and “be the space.” I don’t know what I’m looking for. I just need to write out where I am.