I am about to be 28. By the time I was 18 I had been SI for close to 14 years. After 2 years of intense inpatient and a few months of outpatient I finally went my first month without SI. After that followed 6 years SI free. I met a great man married him and had a daughter. She had alot of medical problems and I got pretty depressed. I heard family mention at one point the concern that I may be SI again. I told them I wasnt and that I was afraid that if I ever did again I would never be able to stop. Well I started again without really realizing it. After a few months I finally got up the courage to discuss the depression with my GP and he recommended a therapist. On the second visit I told her that the reason I was coming to therapy was the SI. She said we will get to that. Every appt she asks at the end if I SI since the last appt and says to write in my journal when the feeling comes up. Sometimes I don’t even know I am SI till after the fact. I really want to stop. I am afraid my daughter or husband will catch me and I am not feeling better as easily as I used to. Is there hope? I have read the ” BODILY HARM” book but how do I get that window if I don’t realize till after the fact? Do I need to push the issue more with my therapist? Should I talk to my husband and How can I do that? I am so stupid for doing this again I just never realized how close to relapse I allways was. It’s like the book says about the absence of SI not being the cure. I was abstaining but was that because I was living a temporary Fairy Tale? I thought that after that many years I would never go back. I wish I lived closer to S.A.F.E. I am afraid that if my GP had to take care of the SI I would be hospitalized and that can’t happen there are no trusted adults to care for my daughter. I just want to feel without SI.
I totally get what you mean… How do we feel without SI?
If you EVER need to talk email me at emo_chick44608@yahoo.com. 🙂
As long as a person is alive there’s hope. I have a kid too and understand the concern about treatment/childcare. I also went for years (8) without injuring only to end up in another relapse. I know I saw a few therapists before I found one that I could really work with/would work with me. They seem pretty uneven in their comfort level with treating si. You kind of sound like you feel like your therapist is putting off addressing the si. If so that certainly seems like something you could address directly as a way of bringing the conversation to si/talking about it from a bit of a distance or feeling around the edges. It also sounds a bit like you don’t feel in control of the therapy topics if you’re not talking about what you need to talk about. I’m now in a dbt program and find that very helpful when mostly therapy has been a disaster in the past. Have you tried the impulse control logs from Bodily Harm? I find them to be a powerful resource in getting that window. I think of them like a rolling pin that flattens out what normally comes at me in a big lump.