As much as I try not to SI anymore it’s just soo tempting. It’s like everything around me is mocking me, giving me just one more reason to SI. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. I’m lost right now not getting to talk to my boyfriend, he’s my life. It’s been atleast a week since I’ve talked to him for more than a few seconds. I’ve tried to just focus on my school work, but the more I tried the more I couldn’t. Everything and anything is making me have a meltdown. I can just look outside and start balling my eyes out. It just doesn’t seem fair. I can’t sleep at night. I just lay there and think about where I want to SI next. All the new ideas I think of just seem like a dare and it makes me want to go to my secret stash of tools.
I just can’t take all the pressure I put on myself trying to make everyone happy at the same time. I wish I didn’t feel like it was my job, but I can’t help feeling that if I upset someone they will SI, and I just didn’t want to be the reason for someone to do that.