I was at SAFE a year ago and it helped but I have since injured quite a few times. Some of my family says that I wasted my time going if “it didn’t work”. The thing is, it did help me so I can open up to my therapist better and it also helped me set goals and want to work towards them for a better life. I have done SO MUCH in the last year to better my life. I have been going to school for Criminal Justice and will be graduating in December. I have a wonderful volunteer job that keeps me active and I really love it. I have made new, healthy friends. I have ended most of the unhealthy friendships and am working on the others. I am active in the singles ministry at my church and attend the activities regularly. In other words, I am trying to pack my life full of positives. But like I said before, I have injured on a number of occasions. I get so overwhelmed at times and I still am having a hard time sitting with those uncomfortable feelings. Some days I just don’t want to get out of bed and do anything. Sometimes I want to sabotage everything good because I feel like it will never last. I hide my feelings from others really well. What I cannot hide is the injuries because they have such bad consequences. I know that if I don’t stop, I will not have a future. But that is my coping tool to get through those tough times.
So why, after learning all I did at safe, do I still continue to SI? Why can I make so many changes and not change this? I am so scared of ruining my future either intentionally or unintentionally. I have gone a little over a month without SI’ing now, which is the longest I’ve gone since being home. I am working my behind off on choosing better things to do and dealing with the feelings. I would like to go back to SAFE because I feel like I have so much more to work on and I need to really get down to the nitty gritty. I am afraid not to. I want my great future that is right there in front of me only slightly out of reach.