I was at SAFE a year ago and it helped but I have since injured quite a few times.  Some of my family says that I wasted my time going if “it didn’t work”.  The thing is, it did help me so I can open up to my therapist better and it also helped me set goals and want to work towards them for a better life.  I have done SO MUCH in the last year to better my life.  I have been going to school for Criminal Justice and will be graduating in December.  I have a wonderful volunteer job that keeps me active and I really love it.  I have made new, healthy friends.  I have ended most of the unhealthy friendships and am working on the others.  I am active in the singles ministry at my church and attend the activities regularly.  In other words, I am trying to pack my life full of positives.  But like I said before, I have injured on a number of occasions.  I get so overwhelmed at times and I still am having a hard time sitting with those uncomfortable feelings.  Some days I just don’t want to get out of bed and do anything.  Sometimes I want to sabotage everything good because I feel like it will never last.  I hide my feelings from others really well.  What I cannot hide is the injuries because they have such bad consequences.  I know that if I don’t stop, I will not have a future.  But that is my coping tool to get through those tough times. 

So why, after learning all I did at safe, do I still continue to SI?  Why can I make so many changes and not change this?  I am so scared of ruining my future either intentionally or unintentionally.  I have gone a little over a month without SI’ing now, which is the longest I’ve gone since being home.  I am working my behind off on choosing better things to do and dealing with the feelings.  I would like to go back to SAFE because I feel like I have so much more to work on and I need to really get down to the nitty gritty.  I am afraid not to.  I want my great future that is right there in front of me only slightly out of reach.