So.. my mom and I were just talking about my dad. He’s always had a bad temper, and me and him had really bad power struggles when i was like 8. he threatened to put me in an institution (now i know it was a bluff, but it scarred me for life. I’m terrified to go anywhere against my will). he also shoved me around, yelled a ton, at me, and my mom. he also spanked me (like everyone else) but he did it probably twice as much to my than my sister or brother. He was violent with me and never to my siblings. He would always ask me why i couldn’t be more like my sister. At the time that these issues happened we were moving, and i had guardia (sickness you get from water). well, i guess he felt bad and bought me a bunch of stuff from when i was like 12 up till now. i never new why. until now. my mom says i might have depression from this, she says my dad even told her he thought it was his fault i was like this.
i’m scared to move, go anywhere against my will, or be in a position of argument. i’m never really mad, unless it’s about my dad.. The other week he flipped out over who knows what.. but he was yelling at my mom, she left with my little brother for fear of his safety. I was home, and she called me telling me he was really mad. i wanted to go down and attack him, but i knew if i did he would overpower me and then i’d be taken away from my fam or something.
when school started, and i parked in the parking lot, i had the strangest feeling of deja vu..– it was the same place my dad took me and threatened me to put me in an institution.. some how my subconscious new that was the place, i felt threatened the whole first week and didn’t know why. I can’t look at my dad the same anymore. I feel like i need to tell someone. NOT a councilor I’ve tried that road already and hate it. i told my friends about my SIing. Should i tell them about this or not? is it too personal and too involved with my family? I don’t want to be separated from my family tho! what do i do? (Please don’t give me feedback about how you’ve had it worse, i know this is not the worse thing in the world, but it’s big for me right now)
I was the same way for a long time, even before I was self-injuring. My father and I had such a flawed relationship after my mom left him, I didn’t talk to him for six months. The worst part was the animalian look he’d get in his eyes–it wasn’t my father. It was this creature that he was just as scared of as I was.
I knew my father loved me. Growing up, I never learned to express anger. When I got older, it surged through me so quickly, I didn’t know what to do with it all. It was like a drug, storing itself in my spinal cord. When something triggered it, I would be so angry for merely a few moments, and then get extremely depressed. It’s part of the reason I started self-harming.
Then I learned to write in a journal, something no one could read but me. It helped me to unlock some of the feelings of hatred I had turned on myself. I wrote songs and poems and letters to my father. Then one day it hit me: I’M JUST LIKE HIM.
He was my father, the very essence of my existence. I hated him so much, and I hated the part of me that was him. I wanted it out, gone, I wanted it to die.
That’s when I started to harm myself.
Personally, I don’t give advice to people. I just share my experience, strength, and hope. You can do whatever you feel is right with this information. No one can tell you what to do but you.
Just remember that, even though it feels good to be angry, we have to do something with our feelings that doesn’t hurt ourselves or someone else.
We don’t have to accept what people do to hurt us, but we do have to accept them for who they are.
Cheers,
Alex
P.S. Who gives a flying penguin who has it worse? We all have problems, and this isn’t a pissing contest. We’re here to help, and anyone who just wants to complain can post their own darn blog post. 🙂