right now, i honestly feel like i’m going to be sick. he has invaded my mind again. i haven’t thought about him this much since i last saw him almost 10 months ago. i want to talk to him one last time so badly. i need some closure if i’m ever going to let go. but i’ll probably never get it.
here’s the thing: we were never together, never went out, but he still hurt me badly, maybe even broke my heart. he acted like he cared about me, but it was all a lie, a joke, entertainment for him and his friends. and i fell for it. he doesn’t know how i feel and probably never will. that’s the worst part right there. he doesn’t know about my SI or that he helped cause it.
you know that feeling you get when you run until you can’t feel your legs? the one where your heart is beating a million miles an hour but you still get an empty feeling in your chest? well thats how i feel pretty much anytime i think of him or anything that has to do with love, which is quite often.
i want to believe that he’s sorry for being so cruel, but i know he’s not. i want to believe that he’s changed, but i still can’t be sure. i forgave him a long time ago, but will i ever be able to forgive myself for falling for him and his lies? will i ever be able to trust guys again? i don’t know.
i’m ready to let go of the past, but it’s still hanging on to me.
and on top of all this, i start high school next week, which is seriously freaking me out. the other day, my parents sat me down for a “talk”. they told me to be more social around people i don’t know. what the heck? this isn’t their life to live. they don’t realize how ackward i feel around groups of people. i prefer to be in the background rather than front and center. don’t get me wrong, i have plenty of close friends, i just don’t mind being by myself. i don’t know, i’m just really nervous. sorry for blabbing on.