First off I’d like to say that I’m starting my freshmen year of High School and that I’ve been dealing with SI for awhile now. I’ve just found this site and joined and I figure that if I’ve just joined a site about sel harm or, as I like to call it, SI that I should be truthful. So here’s my confession to the public; I’m an injurer. It started in 7th grade, but only lasted a week before I got caught because I was careless. I figured it was all behind me, but then 8th grade came. It was fun at first, but then it started to get stressful. My parents seemed to get mad at me more and thats when they started hitting me. If I piss them off enough they will hit me, it’s not often, but it still hurts a lot combined with their words. On top of this, my aunt, who I’m really close to, got rediagnosed with cancer and if the treatment they gave her fails, she will die. I had a friend who was injuring herself and it reminded me about how good it felt in 7th grade.
So on February 19, 2009 I gave in. I injured. This time I was better at hiding it and I didn’t/haven’t gotten caught. I kept injuring for the rest of the school year and into the summer, when swim team started. So I stopped and it was so hard not to SI. I made it through a month and then I gave in. Eventually swim team came to an end and I was thankful cause now my injuries would be easier to hide. I would, and still do, wear clothes to cover up, nobody even noticed, but my friend (the one who injured – who managed to quit after her parents found out and sent her to counseling) and my boyfriend.
The confronted me and I denied it, my friend who wanted to believe I wasn’t believed me, but Bryan (my boyfriend) wasn’t so sure. He could tell I was lying and he waited until we were alone one day to confront me. At first I denied it and he started to believe me. He asked one last time and said if I denied it then he would believe me so you would think I would lie again, and I did, but Bryan still was a little doubtful so he asked me to remove clothing to show him. I said I was cold, but it was 85 degrees that day so he looked at me and then, with no warning, pulled me into a big hug and when we pulled apart he grabbed my arm and pulled up my sleeve. I started crying and he just pulled me to him and comforted me. He said he’d always love me and that he wouldn’t ever judge me and that he wouldn’t tell, but that I had to stop. So I honestly tried. Everytime we were together he’d check and sometimes I’d come clean and he would be so happy and others I wouldn’t and it made him so sad.
I’ve always hated it when he’s sad and I can’t stand it anymore, so when I found this site I joined. I want to stop so bad. I can’t bear to see Bryan’s face when he finds out about more SI, it looks so sad and helpless like the only thing in the world he could ever want would be for me to stop. The last time I injured was August 25 (yesterday) and Bryan doesn’t know yet. Sometimes I get so scared. I don’t want to die and I hate to disappoint Bryan. So here I am. I want to stop this so bad. Hello All!!!!!!!
PS- Today is my 14th birthday. I’m so excited, but I’m worried that it could all fall to pieces. I really hope I won’t SI cause that would ruin my whole day. On a happier note my boyfriend got me this really pretty heart neacklace for my brithday. I love it!!! 🙂