I have been struggling a bit these past few weeks – months really. It is harder for me to see the 99% of my life that is good, wonderful, and worth holding on for. I have been SIing for quite a few years, and I have taken some pretty big steps out of the darkness that I was in. I have been in therapy, done DBT, and tried to be honest to the the few people that I allow to help support me.
Lately, though, it has become much harder to see the good, to see the things that are worth fighting for. I know I should not SI, but I sometimes feel that it is the only thing I have that helps me not to “throw in the towel”. It is becoming a struggle to wake up, go through the motions of the day and try to make it.
I can’t help but feel selfish sometimes – which doesn’t help. I am blessed with many wonderful things in life. Things used to really be bad when I was growing up. I hated life then, which was understandable. Now, why when I have come such a long way, and am free to make my own choices, am I choosing to still only see the darkness that I am allowing myself to get consumed in? I feel like I am struggling so much to just stay present and to hold on. In the recent dark moments that I allow myself to go to, I get scared that in one second I may choose not to hold on anymore.
I am not sure what putting these into words will do, but maybe it will just help to get it out.
You did a good job of expressing yourself. I think the problem is that you’re so used to SI, you just can’t seem to pull yourself out. But you need to know that you can do this, that there is hope in the struggle, and people are here, doing this with you. Relapses aren’t always relapses, some are just mistakes, and we always have to know that we can get through them and we CAN stop hurting ourselves. That’s what I struggled with, until now. I know that no matter how deep I’m in, I can get help and I can get out of there. And you can too. Always.
<3rescue