I have been struggling a bit these past few weeks – months really. It is harder for me to see the 99% of my life that is good, wonderful, and worth holding on for. I have been SIing for quite a few years, and I have taken some pretty big steps out of the darkness that I was in. I have been in therapy, done DBT, and tried to be honest to the the few people that I allow to help support me.
Lately, though, it has become much harder to see the good, to see the things that are worth fighting for. I know I should not SI, but I sometimes feel that it is the only thing I have that helps me not to “throw in the towel”. It is becoming a struggle to wake up, go through the motions of the day and try to make it.
I can’t help but feel selfish sometimes – which doesn’t help. I am blessed with many wonderful things in life. Things used to really be bad when I was growing up. I hated life then, which was understandable. Now, why when I have come such a long way, and am free to make my own choices, am I choosing to still only see the darkness that I am allowing myself to get consumed in? I feel like I am struggling so much to just stay present and to hold on. In the recent dark moments that I allow myself to go to, I get scared that in one second I may choose not to hold on anymore.
I am not sure what putting these into words will do, but maybe it will just help to get it out.