alright, i’m totally new to this but i’m so flustered and i somehow got here and think it can help maybe. idk. but this is gonna be really long. so, i am in love with this guy who broke up with me in january and i used to si really bad because of it. i si before that but that was less often. anytime anything had to do with him i would si because i just can’t take it. he had cheated on me and is now dating that girl. but in april he cheated on her with me and ever since then i stopped si. which is fantastic. my life got back on track and i just felt really happy knowing that his feelings for me were still there, even slightly. and i haven’t si since, until tonight. i don’t know what happened. i moved in with my dad last august, and i really love it where i am now. the people are great, my school’s great, and living with my dad is so much easier than living with my mom. but my sister moved out and i miss her, and i do miss my old friends&school&mom too.

so after my other serious relationship just ended, i just feel like i need to get away from here. so i called my mom and i’m supposed to move back with her tomorrow. i don’t know if it’s what i want or not. everyone i talk to tells me to do what i need to do to make me happy, but i have no idea what’s going to make me happy. i’m pretty sure i’ll be just as miserable wherever i am. and now, at 1am, the guy who’s supposed to drive me to meet my mom half way texted me and told me he can’t take me anymore. what am i supposed to do? i am so stressed and i can’t stop crying and i just had like 3 panic attacks in the past hour and i’m really scared i’m going to do something extreme. i si tonight, and it made me calm down a little…but now i’m going to stress about if someone sees it. i just wish i didn’t have to make these decisions about where i live and what i do. my dad gives me so much freedom because he wants me to be independent. i’m almost 16 and need to grow up and start making my own decisions, but i just can’t do it. every decision i make seems to be the wrong one. i don’t want to die, i’m not suicidal; i want to just disappear. i want to fade into a happy world where i can just be carefree and not have to worry about anything bad happening. i tried calling my best friend to talk, but she’s at a party and is a little incoherent. i tried calling my mom to see if she can drive all the way here to get me instead of meeting half way, but its 1am and she’s sleeping and didn’t answer.

i need help. i need something stable in my life. i feel so alone. i need something constant, that i can rely on. my friends aren’t always there, my mom judges too much, i’m too afraid to disappoint my dad even though he swears i can tell him anything, my sister moved away, my boyfriends always end up getting sick of my mood swings and leave me, and i just need someone to talk to. i don’t use email, but my aol is rainbowgiraffex if someone is up and willing to listen to my life story. and give me some insight on what you think, and maybe a clue of what you’d do if you were me? i’m trying to be reasonable and think it out but my mind is so clogged i can’t think straight. can someone help me? …and thanks if you read this whole thing.