alright, i’m totally new to this but i’m so flustered and i somehow got here and think it can help maybe. idk. but this is gonna be really long. so, i am in love with this guy who broke up with me in january and i used to si really bad because of it. i si before that but that was less often. anytime anything had to do with him i would si because i just can’t take it. he had cheated on me and is now dating that girl. but in april he cheated on her with me and ever since then i stopped si. which is fantastic. my life got back on track and i just felt really happy knowing that his feelings for me were still there, even slightly. and i haven’t si since, until tonight. i don’t know what happened. i moved in with my dad last august, and i really love it where i am now. the people are great, my school’s great, and living with my dad is so much easier than living with my mom. but my sister moved out and i miss her, and i do miss my old friends&school&mom too.
so after my other serious relationship just ended, i just feel like i need to get away from here. so i called my mom and i’m supposed to move back with her tomorrow. i don’t know if it’s what i want or not. everyone i talk to tells me to do what i need to do to make me happy, but i have no idea what’s going to make me happy. i’m pretty sure i’ll be just as miserable wherever i am. and now, at 1am, the guy who’s supposed to drive me to meet my mom half way texted me and told me he can’t take me anymore. what am i supposed to do? i am so stressed and i can’t stop crying and i just had like 3 panic attacks in the past hour and i’m really scared i’m going to do something extreme. i si tonight, and it made me calm down a little…but now i’m going to stress about if someone sees it. i just wish i didn’t have to make these decisions about where i live and what i do. my dad gives me so much freedom because he wants me to be independent. i’m almost 16 and need to grow up and start making my own decisions, but i just can’t do it. every decision i make seems to be the wrong one. i don’t want to die, i’m not suicidal; i want to just disappear. i want to fade into a happy world where i can just be carefree and not have to worry about anything bad happening. i tried calling my best friend to talk, but she’s at a party and is a little incoherent. i tried calling my mom to see if she can drive all the way here to get me instead of meeting half way, but its 1am and she’s sleeping and didn’t answer.
i need help. i need something stable in my life. i feel so alone. i need something constant, that i can rely on. my friends aren’t always there, my mom judges too much, i’m too afraid to disappoint my dad even though he swears i can tell him anything, my sister moved away, my boyfriends always end up getting sick of my mood swings and leave me, and i just need someone to talk to. i don’t use email, but my aol is rainbowgiraffex if someone is up and willing to listen to my life story. and give me some insight on what you think, and maybe a clue of what you’d do if you were me? i’m trying to be reasonable and think it out but my mind is so clogged i can’t think straight. can someone help me? …and thanks if you read this whole thing.
I get what you mean about growing up and making your own decisions… i can’t do it either and I’m 18! If you EVER need someone to talk to, PLEASE don’t hesitate to email me at emo_chick44608@yahoo.com. 🙂
“A boy who makes you cry (or SI in this case) is not worth it. And a boy who is worth it won’t make you cry.” My therapist told me this yesterday, after I relapsed over the horrid things my ex-boyfriend said about me and to me to my face. I felt worthless. Finding love in other people is an important part of life, but not right now for you. You are your own best friend, and you are your main focus. That boy sounds like toxin, and as much as you like him, your main reliance is and always should be yourself. It’s cold truth, I know. You need to spend serious time with yourself, figuring out the life you need to have. Fill your life with positive things. People, places, hobbies, God. All of that. Your life should make you happy…I’m not saying it won’t be stressful but you should atleast be content, and sometimes you have to search for that. Sometimes it takes time.
As for the panic attacks you’re experiencing…just breathe. “Before you lash out, pray.” When you lose your train of thought, ask God for it back. Gaining stability in such a frantic life is so hard sometimes, trust me, I’ve been there. But you have to meet yourself in the middle. You have to find where you’re at, and go from there. I’m comfortable with my life, now that I’ve eliminated my dad. I’m not telling myself that its all pretty and glamourous because he’s gone, of course there will be other people in my life who I will not get along with and have conflict with, but they are always going to be less severe, I can always deal accordingly…that’s what I’ve come to realize…everything in life, no matter how big, is manageable. In your situation as well as everyone else’s, your parents will ALWAYS love you no matter where you are or what decision you make. Both of them will. You just have to weigh your options, see where you’re most comfortable. Take your time to figure that out. Take your time. Take your time.
Email if you need me, anytime…ohc0nnahhh@aim.com
<3, rescue