yesterday morning i SI.  i was so happy and relieved that i finally got to after three months of being clean. but i feel devistated and dissapointed in myself. later yesterday i had marching band camp, and from 3-5 we went outside to march, my leg was killing me and i almost passed out. then we had dinner from 5-6 and i sat alone with my boyfriend. i started crying when we sat down and he was all omg whats wrong?? so i stupidly told him and he wanted to see it so i showed him. and he started crying!!!!! i couldnt believe it.  ='(  so i feel a million times worse because i know hurting me hurts him too. but i never ever want to hurt him. but all i want to do is hurt me. i dont know what to do.

i have marching band today and i dont think im going to make it. my boyfriends mom volenteers to give out water and stuff, and she knows i SI, his older brother is two grades older and is my section leader, i dont think he knows but i dont want him to find out. and if today i have to sit out for a minuet so i dont pass out, i really really dont want him mom to found out i SI again…what if she makes my boyfriend break up with me? he means everything to me. and i mean everything. weve been together for a year and three months and hes the only reason im alive today. he and his family is my family too. i dont really have one of my own. im just really scarred…and dissapointed…and ughh i dont even know what i am anymore! idk….