I keep asking myself where I am in all of this. I haven’t injured for over a month now. I don’t feel like I’m “in recovery.” That whole idea, “recovery” just doesn’t make some sort of basic sense to me. I’ve been longer stretches but this one feels like it may be permanent. I’m scared though. Not as scared as when I was injuring badly but scared that maybe I’ll have to do something worse then I’ve ever done. But medicine has made a huge difference. I feel like it gives me a chance. No one around me is supportive of me taking it but I’m taking it anyway and that feels good—to do what I think is best for me and no one other than me knows—really knows—what I’m up against in trying to make better choices.
I guess I’m writing because I feel this almost magnetic pull toward sabotaging my progress. I was afraid of being abandoned after I made some progress and now it seems clear that that won’t happen. In fact, it seems clear that as symptoms are resolved some real work can be done and it just never occurred to me that anyone would help me with that real daily stuff that I have so much trouble with—managing relationships, not being sunk by other people’s emotions, trying to feel like my needs and wants matter too… But back to something worse than I’ve ever done–I’m thinking about it. I had started planning it, practicing for it and with help I caught myself. But this big huge sweeping part of me wants it. I don’t think my trouble is lack of skills. It’s my own will that I’m up against.
So, what am I trying to say here? Or, maybe I should ask myself what’s really bothering me right now that’s leading me to think like this and I know what it is because I dealt with insurance problems today and I can’t call the case manager directly because… I guess because she thinks she crossed a boundary with me. She never said- she just stopped returning my calls. I’m really starting to feel safe at the clinic I’m going to and they are calling her for me but it brings up unresolved stuff and my reaction is to make things way worse. Somehow that understanding doesn’t make a difference in how I feel. Is anyone else doing dbt? In dbt terms how I feel is like I’m in touch with rational mind and I’m in touch with emotion mind but there’s no overlap at all between the two circles. I don’t know how to make them overlap.