Eleven years. Doesn’t seem that long, but it is especially when someone has been absent from your life for those years. Yeah, I know I may not think about it everyday and it may not hurt me as much as it does others but that pain, that emptiness is still there. I hate having to look forward to all these “happy” events and realize you won’t be there for any of them. My wedding, the happiest day in a woman’s life (so its said), brings both tears of joy and sorrow whenever I think of it. I wish you could be there to look into my eyes, tell me you love me just before you walk me down the aisle and give me away to the love of my life. I long to share that happiness with you but I know I can’t and never will. I don’t blame you for your death but its heartbreaking having to remember my you from stories told by others because I was too young to remember. Only four, still innocent, never encountered death until eleven years ago today. The funeral is a haze to me but one thing I do remember is playing. I kept running up to your coffin, too young to understand death and what it meant. But with each passing day I grow more aquainted with it. It hurts not having a father in your life, having to see children with their dads and knowing you can’t have that. I hate not being able to remember the sound of my father’s voice or how you looked. I only know you from pictures and stories people have told me. I’m not going to be able to tell my kids anything about you. All these things are always there weighing me down in the back of my mind.
Sometimes I would imagine how things would be different if you were still in my life and life always seems so much brighter with you in it. I’m not sure what the last thing I told you was but I love you and hope you knew that and I wish I could tell you now.
So yesterday morning I SIed, I had written this letter before I went to the cemetery and everything sorta just caved in on me. I don’t understand why my mom still hasn’t told me why my dad died. I had to go find out through someone else. My mom doesn’t know that I found out, I’m still waiting on her to see when she thinks its the right time to tell me. I certainly am old enough to hear about it I just don’t know why she has waited so long. Last night wasn’t so wonderful either. I have these wonderful days where everything seems alright, like I can actually get through life and then I have other days where I just don’t see myself being able to get through the night. I don’t understand it, don’t understand why my moods are always up and down, why I just can’t be happy and stay that way. I hate the thoughts that have been entering my head for the last three-four years and how I have to silence them with a tool. I want to go back to being that girl that loved life and was full of passion…. I know I’ve changed and I don’t know how to get back to how I once was. So I’m again reaching out to help others instead of myself cause I figure if I can’t solve my problems right now maybe helping others in need will get me in a better state of mind and who knows maybe in the midst of trying to save others I’ll find a glimpse of myself that I haven’t seen in a while maybe an epiphany or something. I’m not too sure if this is such a great idea but I don’t know what else to do.