I went to SAFE in the summer of 2008 and stayed self-injury free for ten months after. I injured myself once around the ten month mark, and then managed to stop again for a couple of months. But I started to have another emotional breakdown and had to go on medical leave towards the end of the spring semester and within a few weeks of leaving school started to hurt myself again. The main reason was that I felt like I didn’t have anything to prove anymore. I was away from my friends and away from school, angry at counseling services for what I perceived as a lack of trust, care, or regard for situations outside of what protocol dictated.
The thing is, it is very difficult for me to hide anything from my friends, so eventually a couple of them knew that I had relapsed. I then started dating a guy in my group of friends with a photographic memory and strong people reading skills, which means that I can’t hide anything from him, either. I started to remember how much self-injury hurts other people and decided that if I could stop before without anything bad coming from it, then I could stop again now.
So here I am, back in recovery. I was wondering if any other alumni can relate. Did anyone else relapse after SAFE? If so, did you come back from the relapse? How did you do stay motivated the second time around?
I relapsed again and again and still am not “clean” from self injury. I stay motivated by using my time to help others heading down the road that got me where I am today. Have you been on the http://www.selfinjuryfoundation.org website? They have a volunteer section on the site itself. For me, helping others in distress in whatever form makes me feel better. I won’t lie to you and say that I’ve stopped injuring, but it has went down in frequency a great deal. Maybe try getting in contact with your local American Red Cross agency? They are always needing volunteers for all kinds of different services. If you could get in with a disaster aid relief team, I think it would make you feel a lot better about yourself. Just helping a person who has had a trauma by offering them water really lifts both of your spirits. It’s been an amazement to me just how much helping others has helped me too.
Good Luck
(Entry wrote after taking my meds, so it could easily make no sense at all)
Wow. I need to stay away from computers and all forms of communication once I’ve taken my sleep medication. I did however mean everything from last nights post. Seriously, if you feel as if you’re hopeless (which you’re not) then try to help someone else. I think you’ll be surprised how beneficial it can be.
🙂
I know it’s been a while since your post – sorry – I just saw it. I attended SAFE in 2001 and again in 2005. Not only did I relapse into SI many times after both times at SAFE, I also relapsed into my eating disorder and was hospitalized for that, too. After 12 long years of therapy, relapses, hospitals, doctors, journals, I am 100% safe! It has been years since I was engaged in an ED and over a year since I injured. My safety is such second nature that I no longer count the days.
What kept me motivated after relapsing? Well, I always stuck with therapy and kept in contact with friends and family. Until I felt remorseful to myself for what I did, it helped me to know that my actions impacted others and I needed to take responsibility for that. What I think was most helpful was knowing that recovery was more like a ladder than a straight uphill climb. Each time I relapsed, I was knew more – more about why I did what I did and more about how to prevent it. Even though I was taking a step down, I was higher up than I was before the relapse. Relapses became learning opportunities, not failures. I do believe I had a quality of resiliency and a desire to live and beat my mental illness that kept me going along the way – a healthy voice was always there, I just chose not to listen all the time. I believe in you. Don’t beat yourself up for your relapses. It’s where you are at right now. Your SI is telling you that you have more to learn. Sit with your feelings. Listen to your healthy voice – I know it’s there. Do what you can to stay SAFE. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.