i’m gonna explain the whole story behind the horrible guy who ruined my life…here we go:
one day, inauguration day actually, (january 20th), i and my best friend (at the time), olive, and the guy she liked went to the library where we met up and hung out with this guy i didn’t know, marcus… during this time i was single and marcus was single and all that. marcus liked me immediately and i could tell he did, but i was afraid of liking a stranger.
so we were all hanging out in the back of the library where no one could see us. olive and the guy she liked were all over each other, making out… so marcus picked me up (he’s kinda strong, which made him even more intimidating), and he put me on his lap and held me there, and i was sorta afraid to move. when the other couple were making out, he asked me if i would hook up with him. i said no, i just met him, and i didn’t want to. he kept me on his lap and asked again. i said no. olive and “her guy” told me i was prude. they said i should make out, it would be fun, i’d like marcus after i did, i shouldn’t be so scared… i said no and they all kept telling me to.
finally i just turned to face marcus and i kissed him, trying to make it as short as possible. it was my first kiss too, so i thought it was pretty much the nastiest thing to happen in my mouth. after i pulled away, he told me to keep going, but i refused. he told me he wouldn’t let me go unless i did, but i really, really didn’t want our mouths anywhere near each other anymore, so i waited to see when he’d let me go. he took advantage of me waiting, was touching me places i didn’t want him to. it felt weird and wrong to let a stranger touch me like that, but i tried to ignore it.
finally my mom called me to pick me up from the library, and i told marcus that i had to go, or my mom would think something was up. he made the right decision in letting me go at that point. if my mom found herself waiting outside the library for me, she might suspect why i was taking so long, you know?
i went home that night feeling like a dirty, worthless, stupid, foolish person. i felt like i’d been used or tricked. the feeling triggered the depression that had been building up inside me since, i don’t know, 5th grade.
i kept the sadness in for months, while getting teased about the marcus thing. he started telling people i asked for it, that i liked him, that i was practically stalking him or something, desperate enough to hook up with a total stranger. he ruined my rep.
i kept the feelings in til some time in april, when i met a couple of girls who were both depressed SIers, kathy and liz. they became my two new best friends. well, liz kinda replaced me and was olive’s new bff, until the whole deal with liz …anyway, i saw how they took their sadness to a whole other level: SIing.
one night, coincidentally marcus’s birthday, i decided to try SIing. i injured. i felt a rush of power, and instantly, the pain i felt inside disappeared. even though i was in tears, it felt good in some way. it was almost like i was hurting marcus or something, instead of myself. but then i started hyperventilating. i couldn’t breathe. i was terrified. i txted kathy this, and she called me immediately, to calm me down and make me stop hurting myself. she practically saved my life.
if i could tell marcus exactly how he hurt me, i would. but he’d just tell everyone else, i’d become the crazy girl who SIes and then makes up reasons to.
i wish he’d go away. i wish he’d move across the country. i wish he never threatened me. i wish i never met him in my life. i wish he was still a stranger i didn’t know. i wish i could change the way things went. i wish i never SIed…