i know everyone has their bad days and good days, but i feel like mine are everywhere. i look back and think about how great i had it and what went wrong… and i wish so much that i could say “im not sure.” except i know exactly when i started my downhill spiral. this year was the hardest year for me because a lot of things happened and only in the same category. BAD.
two summers ago, i was molested by a friend’s friend on vacation, and one of my closest friends, sean, commited suicide. he sent me a letter and a teddy bear and the next day… he was gone. that was the start of my spiral.
in january, josh, who had always been there for me and always called me to talk, told me he loved me over phone. i was in shock. i couldnt say anything even though i wanted to tell him that i loved him too, but i couldnt get my words past the silence. he hung up. i didnt know that that little hesitation would cause everything to spin out of control.
i never thought that one minute of silence over the phone would create something so big. josh avoided me for a whole week, and started to wear a familiar jacket every day; all day. during the second week, when i admired him from afar, he kept his head low and he never smiled. i didn’t understand it though and he kept me in the dark for a long time… too long. i became good friends with two girls that were also friends with josh. one of them, jessica, was my closest friend this school year. we had something that no one else could understand. it was just an instant bond. in less than a semester we were chatting like we’d known each other forever. the other girl, amy, was unique too. she would listen and we’d talk in secret code and everything, but there was an emptiness that i felt everytime i was with her. i never thought she was hiding things from me too.
josh started his SI in the middle of january. all the while, he was switching girls and dating all of my friends. soon he had amy into SI. she told jessica, and jessica started it too. everyone around me was giving in. finally i asked josh about the “rumors” i had heard and he confessed saying they were the complete truth. i was terrified. he just squeezed my hand and walked away. how could he just walk away after what he had done?! shortly after that, i found out about amy. she opened up to me and talked to me and let me in on what she was thinking. and i gave her the little advice that i had and she said it helped her. i had no idea she was lying.
i knew that they were doing bad things, but what turned into mere child’s play soon became an addiction. i didn’t discover jessica’s SI until about a month after she had started. I saw that she injured herself. my mind just split apart. i wasn’t the same after i saw the marks on her. i never thought she would be why my world shattered.
my name is marie. i started my SI a few days after i found out about jessica. it wasn’t because she was doing it though. i had reached a point of complete depression. i didn’t tell anyone about my SI. i kept my injuries away from the public and continued to SI for another month but i was stupid. i accidentally exposed my injury to jessica while we sitting together during 1st period study session. I felt horrible doing it, but i kept going. i knew i wouldn’t be able to stop. and that was scary. i continued my hidden SI for 3 months without any problems. this summer changed that.
i moved right after the school year ended, and i was SIing more than ever because i knew i had been taken away from everyone i loved. i had opened up entirely to ruthie and told her absolutely everything about my situation. she was the one i confided in. ruthie became my therapist. and i was grateful for that. she helped me through things. and she would get through my addiction. in july, i went to visit her, and we had our all nighter discussion on everything that had been going on with our friends.after i came back to where i live now, i thought about it for a long time. i stopped talking to jessica as much, and ruthie continued to give me good influence and advice. she made me believe i could really stop. for eternity.
about two weeks later, one of my mom’s best friends (who was also really close to me also) died. she had reoccuring breast cancer. i gave into the need again. my mom made me go to some church camps where i started to really truly believe that God has a plan for me. i immediately knew, i didn’t wanna miss out on my future. that’s when i decided to stop for good.
i started communicating with ruthie even more. i slowly stopped my desire for SI. i never thought i’d refer to ruthie as “my personal god”. she is currently my BEST friend. my savior. my therapist. i owe all of my success to her right now. i wouldn’t be where i am without her. and i owe her my life. even over text her words kept me from trying to destroy myself. i started to talk to jessica again, and she’s much better. we’ve found US again. :] josh is nonexistant in my world and that’s fine with me.
what’s good is i’m free from my monster and i look back at my past and sigh. i KNOW how far i’ve come. i have been free for 2 weeks. i never thought i would have gotten into this mess… and yet once i was in… for everyone who has been a victim of SI, hope will always find you. in the smallest ways. so keep trying. don’t give up. i found a way. you can find your way too if you want it. if you look hard enough, you will find your sweet paradise.
Love you guys SO MUCH,
“you have no idea how far you’ve come. how proud i am of you.” – ruthie; 9/08/09