I’ve been s.i.ing for about three months now. I don’t know why. I just like the pain, to me it feels good. I kinda feel like when I do, I make the physical pain outweigh the inward pain. Today one of my teachers called a conference with my mom and told her that I’ve been saying and writing some really depressive things over the past 4 months. This was different for me, because I used to be a happy cheerful person. But now I’m dark and angry. Which I know I shouldn’t admit, but it’s true. Well my teacher told my mom that she thinks I might be physically harming myself. My mom told her that she didn’t need to worry about me, that I’m in therapy and I’m trying to turn my life around.
But it’s not true. I’ve never seen a therapist; I’ve never said I want to change. But my mom wouldn’t know that. My mom is a workaholic and is never home, she really doesn’t know a whole lot about me. My mom doesn’t really care. I’m not close to any of my siblings, well except for my baby brother, but he’s only a few months old, so he’s not much use. My dad left when I was little. I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters. I know that one of my brothers’ si’ed too. He spent months in a hospital and is a lot better now. But everyone looks down on him, everyone talks about him behind his back and he can’t find a job. All because people found out what he did. And I don’t want to tell anyone because I don’t want that to happen to me.
I don’t know why he hurt himself for sure, but part of my reason is that I was molested by my brother from the time I was three until I was eleven. No one knows that but me and him, and I don’t want anyone to. I love my brother and I don’t want him in trouble. But, my past always haunts me, there’s not a day that goes by when I don’t think about what he did to me. Or when I don’t think about all the mistakes I’ve made in the past. My big problem is that I have no one that I can talk too, except my best friend, who used to si, but she’s ‘churned her life around.’ I don’t want to tell my brother that I si, it would ruin him. And my best friend is just starting to recover and it hurts her every time she sees my scars. I have no one to talk to about it. I’ve been listening to different types on music and writing what I feel, but that’s what got me in trouble.
That’s what my teacher has seen in me over the past few months that made her decide that I’m masochistic. It hurts that I know that she’s right and that she can see my pain, yet do nothing. I don’t know what to do, whether or not to tell, whether or not to continue hurting myself. Right now I see no reason to stop as long as I don’t tell anyone else. I like to hurt myself. I’ve tried other ways to get rid of the pain, but it doesn’t work. I’ve tried everything I can think of, but si is the only way I can get my pain to subside. any advice?