I’ve been s.i.ing for about three months now. I don’t know why. I just like the pain, to me it feels good. I kinda feel like when I do, I make the physical pain outweigh the inward pain. Today one of my teachers called a conference with my mom and told her that I’ve been saying and writing some really depressive things over the past 4 months. This was different for me, because I used to be a happy cheerful person. But now I’m dark and angry. Which I know I shouldn’t admit, but it’s true. Well my teacher told my mom that she thinks I might be physically harming myself. My mom told her that she didn’t need to worry about me, that I’m in therapy and I’m trying to turn my life around.
But it’s not true. I’ve never seen a therapist; I’ve never said I want to change. But my mom wouldn’t know that. My mom is a workaholic and is never home, she really doesn’t know a whole lot about me. My mom doesn’t really care. I’m not close to any of my siblings, well except for my baby brother, but he’s only a few months old, so he’s not much use. My dad left when I was little. I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters. I know that one of my brothers’ si’ed too. He spent months in a hospital and is a lot better now. But everyone looks down on him, everyone talks about him behind his back and he can’t find a job. All because people found out what he did. And I don’t want to tell anyone because I don’t want that to happen to me.
I don’t know why he hurt himself for sure, but part of my reason is that I was molested by my brother from the time I was three until I was eleven. No one knows that but me and him, and I don’t want anyone to. I love my brother and I don’t want him in trouble. But, my past always haunts me, there’s not a day that goes by when I don’t think about what he did to me. Or when I don’t think about all the mistakes I’ve made in the past. My big problem is that I have no one that I can talk too, except my best friend, who used to si, but she’s ‘churned her life around.’ I don’t want to tell my brother that I si, it would ruin him. And my best friend is just starting to recover and it hurts her every time she sees my scars. I have no one to talk to about it. I’ve been listening to different types on music and writing what I feel, but that’s what got me in trouble.
That’s what my teacher has seen in me over the past few months that made her decide that I’m masochistic. It hurts that I know that she’s right and that she can see my pain, yet do nothing. I don’t know what to do, whether or not to tell, whether or not to continue hurting myself. Right now I see no reason to stop as long as I don’t tell anyone else. I like to hurt myself. I’ve tried other ways to get rid of the pain, but it doesn’t work. I’ve tried everything I can think of, but si is the only way I can get my pain to subside. any advice?
Listen to me whoever you are. I have been and still am in your shoes. right this minute I don’t recommend you doing anything but continuing to write your thoughts and feelings out to someone. That is a wonderful thing to do. If you would like to write to me I would love to write back to you. I think I can help you out. You need an outlet. I write about my abuse every day. You can and will recover from the abuse if you want to. I am living proof of that. Going through the pain you are in can be unbearable, I know! SI isn’t the best tool to use, I have found better, but for now it is ok. Once you start to workout some of the pain inside you you won’t need to SI, but that will take lots of time. You’ve been wounded. Please keep in touch with me. we can work very, very slowly together. I will be a safe friend for you if you would like. My name is Angel.
Oh, i forgot to leave my email address. It’s angel5ratzlaff@hotmail.com. This email address is for “no point”
I guess I sort of had your situation. My mom was never involved, and most of my teachers never noticed… One time in English class, my English teacher noticed a scar and asked me about it so I was straight up with her but I don’t think she ever told anyone. I guess she just didn’t think it was serious enough to report. I am really sorry about your brother. 🙁 But just because you SI doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. Maybe you could try to talk to your brother about how he felt. Maybe he feels the same way? It makes me sad that he did that to you when you were younger. And you probably could never forgive him for that, but SI isn’t meant for you. One of my friends has a mom just like you, except she doesn’t work. Her mom lost her job and now she’s home for now, but she never did anything for my friend when she found out about her SIing. I wasn’t very happy about that… and I think your best friend might like it if you opened up to her and told her how you feel just a little bit. Maybe she can give you advice on how she stopped? I think that would help so much too. Here, I had a lot of friends that were SIing, and I think that sort of got me to start doing it too. But not just because of them. I was hurting as much as them. Trust me, writing down what you feel is definitely a good way to go. 🙂 I put my emotions out on paper in poems and lyrics. And it always helps me a lot. Maybe it will help a little to tell you one reason a reason I’m trying to stop for good. I had to lie to my friends to keep my secret and I didn’t feel any remorse before. I felt like I was living a double life, and it felt horrible and it would just make me think that I needed to SI more, but once my friends found out and started opening up to me about it, I could tell that it was hurting them as much as it was hurting me. Not physically, but it was tearing them up inside. And for me, emotional pain drives me to do the worst. I liked the pain also, but in the end I realized that it really wasn’t helping me and it was hurting the people I loved. I didn’t want them to leave me. I think I was afraid of that. Have you tried “TWLOHA”? To Write Love On Her Arms. It’s a movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. http://www.twloha.com. I heard about it through some great bands that I listen to. I’ve found that music helps me so much. When I feel like I want to SI I will call a friend or write down my emotions or listen to music. There is a playlist on TWLOHA that I listen to most of the time when I feel sad and it gives me hope again. And sometimes just being on blogs like this and reading people’s stories like yours helps me too. It makes me want to try and succeed and get over everything. I hope you get better and find the happiness you truly deserve.
You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you’re part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters. – Jamie Tworkowski [TWLOHA founder].
Love,
A