I’ve never SI’d. But it’s torn apart my world like you wouldn’t imagine. 9 months ago, a boy i thought was my friend introduced SI to 3 of my best friends. At first they did it, but it was only a joke. Then it became an addiction. It happened more often. They never talked to anyone but each other, so I had no idea what could of cause them to do that to themselves. Then one of them finally opened up to me. She talked about it and I started to understand her pain. I still didn’t understand why she injured herself like that. She’s open at times, but at sometimes so hidden it makes me worried. I found out she had a pact with one of the other two girls. They SI together.  

The friend in the pact that hadn’t opened up to me, Amy, was severly addicted. She never opened up and thought she could contain the addiction by herself. She started injured.  It made her happy. She pretended that she’d stopped, and fooled me for the longest time. She told me she was fine over and over again, but in the end they were just empty words. I don’t trust her, and I never will again. Self Injuring ruined our friendship forever. The other girl in the pact, Jessica, has issues. Alcoholic dad, mother that doesn’t care. She SI to feel better. Her mother found out, but did nothing about it.  Her life was in a downward spiral.

Now, according to her, she hasn’t injured in a month. I feel like she’s telling the truth, but I still can’t trust her. The last girl, Marie, wasn’t involved in the pact. She and Jessica were best friends, and talked all the time about everything. Then Marie moved halfway across the country. The relationship with Jessica tore her apart. She started injuring more.  Luckily, I was there to help. She stopped talking to Jessica for a while. Shes getting better, and has been completely open with me. She’s talking to Jessica, and I’m really worried. What if it turns out like last time? I’m hoping she’s smart and will come to me if shes ever tempted.

As for the guy, Josh, none of us are talking to him. He’s supposedly dealing with his current addiction, and has been leaving us alone for the most part. I don’t know if I can ever forgive him. My friend Alex is right though. The problem will never go fully away until I do. For now, I have to deal with the problems at hand. Having enough faith in the strenght of my friends to take 1-800-SUICIDE off my speed dial. Not crying every night when I think about the worst scenarios. This has made me feel small. Weak. Powerless. One thing that helps is talking to someone. I found faith in Anna, Alex, and Carter.

If your injuring, I know it seems bad, but you can get through it. If you keep injuring, things will only get worse. Think of Josh, Jessica, Marie, and Amy. Josh didn’t try to get help, he convinced people to join him. He refuses help, and is now alone, and addicted to an illegal substance. Jessica talk to people. She doesn’t have any trust from me, but she seems to be getting better every day. Marie opens up about everything she does, and listens. It makes a world of difference. Shes doing amazing, and has come so far in the past 3 months. Amy never talks to anyone about her problems. She injures everyday, and has the scars to show it. She tries to lie and manipulate her way through life, but shes lost the trust of the people around her forever.

If you ever feel the need to SI, think about “To Write Love on Her Arm” It helps girls and boys of every race and age through depression like this. This is a really inspiring quote from the founder:

“You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you’re part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters

~Jamie Tworkowski