For the past month or more(I’ve lost count) I’ve SIed more than usual. Things have been really eating at me and I just can’t deal with the feelings that go along with trying to make the right choices out of life. My Psychiatrist & I have been talking about the light & dark/positive & negative side of things for quite awhile and I’m sure she is wondering if I will ever get it. I do get it and I can’t say often enough that it’s still not easy for me to make up my mind yet. It’s hard because it’s so automatic for me to just hurt myself or hang with people that are negative because it’s something I feel safe in doing and to think of anything else to me at least doesn’t feel normal. For instance she was away on vacation for a while and she called me yesterday to schedule an appointment and she picked this Friday, but I told her I was going away and when I explained where I was going and I could almost, but maybe not realize what she must have been thinking deep inside when she say you would much rather go she her(this person who has abused me and everything else)then come see me. I already made the plans while she was away and honestly I thought it just wouldn’t matter that mush to her where I went. This is what I can’t do, I can’t get that being in the light/positive is ok for me instead of the dark hurting myself for giving other people the chance to hurt me. It’s just that I feel like this is the only thing I really know in life. I also told my therapist this week that the only thing that’s never let me down is SIing and it seems to be the only friend I could trust does anyone understand that or am I just an idiot of some kind. I don’t know what the day will bring, but I know that right now I feel everyone wants a piece of me and I feel the need to hurt myself so that I can calm these conflicting feelings going on inside of me. I know this is really going to sound mental and all, but I feel if I stay away from this person I will have no one there. I feel like if I let go of this abuse I will be alone.