So school starts in exactly eight days. I’m terrified. I have three classes with someone I know, but I’m still in the dark about lunch periods. I have no clue what I should do if I have it with no one I know. Am I going to be brave and just sit down somewhere? Or will I end up spending the period hiding? I really hope not…
I cheated myself. I SIed last night just cause of all the stress. It is really getting to me. I’m scared. With the clock ticking time away until school is finally here, I feel like that’s my deadline. School.
The thought of school makes me cry. Seriously. It wouldn’t be so bad if I had just one class with my two only real friends at school, but since the odds are stacked up against me, I don’t have any with them. And probably not lunch.
And I’m sick of my parents. So tired of them. All they want me to do all day is help them with the house, and it’s like these are my last days of peace and you want me to work? Can’t I just relax before I have to go back to school?!? Then if I say I want to stop working, they’ll start yelling at me and saying all I do is sit around on the computer, which is true, but that’s what I do in my free time. Time I won’t have much of this year.
Sometimes it really doesn’t seem like they love me. People would probably say of course that’s not true, or every kid feels like that at some point. But really. My mother has told me to go to h*** before. I know she was just having a really bad day, but to say that to your child? Really?
I used to have lots of friends, but not just friends, but best friends. I don’t know what happened. I guess high school tore us apart. So now I have very few friends. One of them is my best friend and I’m really close to her, I can tell her anything. Anything at all, she even knows about my SI and was the one who convinced me to get help for my depression, but she moved away and is at a boarding school so she can barely ever talk to me now.
The other one is my high school best friend. The one where I love hanging out with her, but can’t tell her anything. Especially not about the SI. Why? Well, one, because she will only listen if it is about herself. And two because she would freak out and probably spill it to everyone she knows.
And my last “best friend” is slipping away. She won’t talk to me anymore pretty much at all. So if I finally decide to call her and talk, she’ll be busy or blame me for not ever talking to her. It’s a total replay of what happened between me and my first best friend. Their like clones and are best friends too, but decided to leave me out. The funny thing about that, is I introduced them.
I have no one I can lean on or even talk to. I go by weeks and weeks keeping this bottled in. Every day it’s like I’m completely on my own. It’s a horrible feeling.
I barely see my counselor now and even at that I can’t seem to say that I SI cause I know she’d want to tell my parents and I don’t want to. I don’t want them to know. Ever.
My dad is already not proud of me. I can tell. He always tries to get me to play sports, and I just can’t stand them. I’m no good and do NOT like playing, but he doesn’t get that. It’s been like that forever. And whenever my little sister slacks off or something he’ll always say “You’re getting as bad as Elizabeth.” How does he think that makes me feel?
That’s why I can’t tell them. I know they’d be even more disgusted with me.
And now I’m forced with the most horrible, downright awful decision. Call me crazy, but I’m falling hard for this boy I just met. It was crazy how autumatically we just clicked and I felt like I could open up to him. I can never do that with anyone I meet. Not even one of my best friends. But he opened me up. He lives hundreds of miles away though and I only get to see him for seven days each year. So now I’m forced to decide whether I want to graduate from high school Junior year (which I so desperately do. I had this decision made the end of freshman week.) or whether I want to see him. And I don’t know what to do! It’s like…I have to see him. I just have to. But I’d have to go through a whole nother year of high school. One that I don’t even need.
I’m standing on the edge and I might just fall. I can’t keep this in much longer. It’s been two full years since the SI has started, I’m currently fifteen. I’ve told three people in those two years. Two of three caused me the friendship.
I feel like I’m in a bottomless pit of pain. A continuous street of suffering. Like there will be no end of the torture unless I stop it, but I don’t know how to!
I want to be happy. I want to feel close to God like I once did (which seems like it was centuries ago). I want to be able to smile and mean it. Laugh without effort. I want to go back to the days when I was just plain happy. I’m not asking for a perfect life, but just to be happy. Not all the time, but just once in awhile. I can never be happy. I’m a pro at faking it, but the last time I felt truly happy was when I was with him on vacation. One month ago.
I’m tired of school and it hasn’t even started. I’m tired of life and mine has barely began.
Where do you go? Where do you go when you don’t have your friends support? Your family’s love? I’m not sure.
We have so much in common. I’m your age, and yes, with high school, my friends and situations all changed. People are really fake, and it took me up until these past few months to find myself and figure out who I really am. I have one best friend, and I figure she’s all I need. I mean of course I talk to other people, but she’s always there and always will be, and that’s all that matters. The number of friends never counts, but the quality of the friendship. Remember that. You never have no one. You always have a friend, somewhere. And by the way, legally, your counselor is not allowed to tell your parents about anything you say…unless you mean a school counselor…they are allowed to tell your parents, but regular therapists aren’t. I just got diagnosed with depression, and I’m still a bit shaky with it too. But girl, trust me. You never are alone. You’re always loved, and there are people who understand you. You CAN stop self injuring, you just have to want it. The magic key to quitting is to want it more than anything in the entire world. I’ve lost track of God SO many times I can’t even count. I feel like I’m losing him now. But, if you just sit and talk to Him, you’ve got nothing to lose, and He does listen. So just get back in there, and don’t stress about sophomore year. You’ll be fine. If you need to, email me at ohc0nnahhh@aim.com…I’m here.
<3rescue
I get what you mean, i’m 15 too and school sucks. idk about the first day, i go to a year round school, so its all the same. i too, have very few friends. i have one best friend who knows that i SI. and two friends that i will never tell. i know how hard it is to live daily in a world of pain and to crave more pain.
what i really wanted to say is about your parents. your mom telling you to go to h*** isn’t nice, but its gonna happen. my mom tells me that all the time. if i may say, just be glad that its all verbal. i get objects (books, toys, ect) thrown at me all the time. i know verbal abuse is hard and i hate it too. its not true what they say about sticks and stones… but try to shrug it off.
and about your dad, its hard when no one appreciates you. i think that your dad telling your sister that is him trying to use reverse phsycology on you (hes trying to make you want to be better). parents don’t think that what they say has much effect on us.
my friend and i decide to write letters to our parents. not telling them that we were SIing, but telling them that we weren’t happy and that we wanted their help and we wanted them to understand. it may help you too. i hope what i said can help you.
I’m also in you guys’s situation! I just moved and I don’t know anyone very well. I’m only just starting highschool though and I’m really freaked out about it. I just had marching band camp and it went pretty well… and I made a few friends there, but they’re sophomores. I haven’t really met any freshman. And I heard that the upperclassman really like to beat down on us… and I don’t think I could handle that.
I’m in your situation also! I just recently moved what seems like a million miles away from my former home. I’ll be a freshman in 4 days and I’m really scared. I heard all the stories about how the upperclassman beat down on the newbies and I really don’t want that to happen to me. A lot of people have expectations for me already! The band teacher has already signed me up for competitions, and the science teacher knows about my science fair application. I always think about… what if I fail and then everyone looks down on me like I’m nothing you know? I hate that feeling. I think that’s my worst fear. Failing. Ugh. It makes me cold just hearing that word…
Your mom had no right to say that. If she knew what you were going through I just hope to GOD that she would understand more. But I know my mom wouldn’t understand if she knew… I hope your mom would care.
I didn’t have that many friends from where I started, but I had BEST friends. 5 AMAZING friends that I could always count on and tell everything too. That’s why I decided that the amount of people that I was friends with didn’t matter… As long as I had someone to pick me up and get me into common sense. 😀
I think I know how you feel about that guy. What if you told him that you wanted to graduate and get a good start on your FUTURE? Would he accept that and wait for you? It would be perfect if you could just keep moving ahead. Another year of torture wouldn’t be good for you. I would choose graduating. Then you could feel that success right? 🙂
I didn’t really start believing God was working in my life until this year really. I went to some church camps (not the boring traditional ones). More like just teen spirituality camps? They helped me so much, because in our little groups we would talk about our issues, and I managed to open up and tell them about my SI and they handled it perfectly. They made me want to stop. I know I have people that love me even though we were together for only a week. I just think about how God is doing something in my life and that everything happens for a reason, and that when I die in old age, I WILL go to heaven and that’s all I really ask for.
I wanna get ready for my future and I don’t wanna miss out by SI. That’s why I decided to stop. And I know my friends are behind me every step of the way. I think you know the right decision. 🙂 So don’t stop now. Don’t give up hope.
Love,
A