So school starts in exactly eight days. I’m terrified. I have three classes with someone I know, but I’m still in the dark about lunch periods. I have no clue what I should do if I have it with no one I know. Am I going to be brave and just sit down somewhere? Or will I end up spending the period hiding? I really hope not…
I cheated myself. I SIed last night just cause of all the stress. It is really getting to me. I’m scared. With the clock ticking time away until school is finally here, I feel like that’s my deadline. School.
The thought of school makes me cry. Seriously. It wouldn’t be so bad if I had just one class with my two only real friends at school, but since the odds are stacked up against me, I don’t have any with them. And probably not lunch.
And I’m sick of my parents. So tired of them. All they want me to do all day is help them with the house, and it’s like these are my last days of peace and you want me to work? Can’t I just relax before I have to go back to school?!? Then if I say I want to stop working, they’ll start yelling at me and saying all I do is sit around on the computer, which is true, but that’s what I do in my free time. Time I won’t have much of this year.
Sometimes it really doesn’t seem like they love me. People would probably say of course that’s not true, or every kid feels like that at some point. But really. My mother has told me to go to h*** before. I know she was just having a really bad day, but to say that to your child? Really?
I used to have lots of friends, but not just friends, but best friends. I don’t know what happened. I guess high school tore us apart. So now I have very few friends. One of them is my best friend and I’m really close to her, I can tell her anything. Anything at all, she even knows about my SI and was the one who convinced me to get help for my depression, but she moved away and is at a boarding school so she can barely ever talk to me now.
The other one is my high school best friend. The one where I love hanging out with her, but can’t tell her anything. Especially not about the SI. Why? Well, one, because she will only listen if it is about herself. And two because she would freak out and probably spill it to everyone she knows.
And my last “best friend” is slipping away. She won’t talk to me anymore pretty much at all. So if I finally decide to call her and talk, she’ll be busy or blame me for not ever talking to her. It’s a total replay of what happened between me and my first best friend. Their like clones and are best friends too, but decided to leave me out. The funny thing about that, is I introduced them.
I have no one I can lean on or even talk to. I go by weeks and weeks keeping this bottled in. Every day it’s like I’m completely on my own. It’s a horrible feeling.
I barely see my counselor now and even at that I can’t seem to say that I SI cause I know she’d want to tell my parents and I don’t want to. I don’t want them to know. Ever.
My dad is already not proud of me. I can tell. He always tries to get me to play sports, and I just can’t stand them. I’m no good and do NOT like playing, but he doesn’t get that. It’s been like that forever. And whenever my little sister slacks off or something he’ll always say “You’re getting as bad as Elizabeth.” How does he think that makes me feel?
That’s why I can’t tell them. I know they’d be even more disgusted with me.
And now I’m forced with the most horrible, downright awful decision. Call me crazy, but I’m falling hard for this boy I just met. It was crazy how autumatically we just clicked and I felt like I could open up to him. I can never do that with anyone I meet. Not even one of my best friends. But he opened me up. He lives hundreds of miles away though and I only get to see him for seven days each year. So now I’m forced to decide whether I want to graduate from high school Junior year (which I so desperately do. I had this decision made the end of freshman week.) or whether I want to see him. And I don’t know what to do! It’s like…I have to see him. I just have to. But I’d have to go through a whole nother year of high school. One that I don’t even need.
I’m standing on the edge and I might just fall. I can’t keep this in much longer. It’s been two full years since the SI has started, I’m currently fifteen. I’ve told three people in those two years. Two of three caused me the friendship.
I feel like I’m in a bottomless pit of pain. A continuous street of suffering. Like there will be no end of the torture unless I stop it, but I don’t know how to!
I want to be happy. I want to feel close to God like I once did (which seems like it was centuries ago). I want to be able to smile and mean it. Laugh without effort. I want to go back to the days when I was just plain happy. I’m not asking for a perfect life, but just to be happy. Not all the time, but just once in awhile. I can never be happy. I’m a pro at faking it, but the last time I felt truly happy was when I was with him on vacation. One month ago.
I’m tired of school and it hasn’t even started. I’m tired of life and mine has barely began.
Where do you go? Where do you go when you don’t have your friends support? Your family’s love? I’m not sure.