I’ve screwed up pretty badly… This past Sunday, the 9th, I SIed. Kinda. Not as bad as what I was thinking of doing! But it’s still really bad.
I’ve had nightmares again… I want to hurt myself because I’m not pretty like my sister, nor smart like my little brother, I’m just nothing…
No matter what I do it’s wrong. I stand up for myself and my mom tells me to “check my attidude”?! I say nothing what-so-ever and my mom thinks I’m pouting? I’m trying to stay out of trouble! If I breath the wrong way my little brother goes postal on me, screaming, yelling and tearing me apart by saying everything I know is true. “You’re so stupid” “You’re only here to clean” “You’re just a boss witch”… The list goes on and on… And I can’t do anything but sit here and try not to break down crying.
My mom is always telling my little sister how beautiful she is, and it’s true! She’s really pretty. But she doesn’t say anything to me except how I used to look so cute when I was younger… And I’ve tried lots of things to try and be pretty!
I don’t normally wear make up, but a couple of weeks ago I did. And my mom helped me put it on, then she told me to look in the mirror. I looked good, for a first, and she said “Ya didn’t know you could be so pretty did you?”. I almost cried and ruined the make up.
I’ve made sure my hair curls more, and she doesn’t say anything about it… Her hair has always been curly, so when mine started to curl more I tried to help it along. She doesn’t seem to care or notice… So what’s the point?
What’s the point of trying to smile when I feel like crap? What’s the point of getting out of bed when all that happens is I get yelled at and in trouble?
I haven’t been able to take drives ED because first off, no one has time to take me/teach me. Second we’re to poor to pay for me to get lessons.
So my mom says the other day: “We have to move so that we can get you driving.” Like I didn’t want to learn! I want to learn, I’m a better driver then my 23 year old brother who went through lessons!
I’m homeschooled, and I’m the stupidest kid in my family… I’ve failed English over and over again… I have problems with learning. And I don’t understand what I read, I understand when people tell me what to do but reading it makes no since.
I just don’t understand what I’m gonna do! I’m 18 and on my 19th birthday (In October) it’ll be one year since I REALLY SIed badly…
I’ve only got one friend and when we talk I always feel like I’m just complaining.
And I’m scared to death one day he’ll figure out he doesn’t have to put up with my whining and crying and… If he leaves I’ll be completely alone! And the worse part is… Even though I have him, I don’t really… He lives in Scottland and we’ve never met face to face. It’d be easy for him to vanish if he felt like it.
Sadly I already think I’m losing him… He’s rarely online and we don’t talk much when he is.
I’m sorry if you’ve wasted your time reading this whole thing… It’s really just me trying to get it out. I’ve bottled it all up for so long it was driving me crazy.
I know that it doesn’t matter… Because I don’t really matter… Again I’m sorry for wasting your time, but thanks for caring enough to read.
Hey I can’t say I know how you feel. But I can say I know how hard is to wake up everyday wishing it were your last. I dont know you personaly but I believe everybody matters. You have the right to be happy and I know how hard it sound but sometimes you have to search for your own happiness.
By the way I just joined sorry for stealing your name 🙂 but you can call me kelly.
No blog is a waste of space. Its your feelings and they matter. If you dont get them out then they build and build and build until you explode, or hurt your self. I am only 15, but you can email me whenever you want, whether its to complain or to get something off your chest, or whatever else.
i SI in a few different ways, am fifteen years old. I love to read, write, do poetry, draw, and listen to music.
Sincerely,
hollie
dragonfairy14@hotmail.com
hi hun. i just wanted to say that i read…and you DID NOT waste my time. i am having a really hard day today, so to be honest, i’m surprised i’m even on the computer…but i just wanted to let you know that I CARE about you. we all care about you…even though we don’t know you and you don’t know us. in a way we all know each other because we have all found SI to turn to at one time or another. reading your post reminds me alot of myself and my home situation… if you ever wanna talk, e-mail me at:
loverlylaurie@yahoo.com
i might not reply today because i’ll probably be in bed the rest of the day, but i will tomorrow. i hope you can stay safe. other people really do care about you.
<3
L
i know how you feel. don’t feel alone. just recently, i felt just like you. i don’t know if you are religious or not, but i have a quote that really helped me when i felt that way. it says: “if you are having problems, don’t assume something is wrong with you. if you are seeing more of your weaknesses, you just might be moving nearer to god, not farther away.” god gives us weaknesses and problems so that we will turn to him and so he can work in our lives. if you believe in something, pray and ask for help. i promise you’ll get an answer.
<3
p.s. please don’t be offended if you aren’t religious.
There is always a reason to get up in the mornings. There’s always a reason to keep pushing through. You may not see it yet but believe me, you will. Things will get better.
love,
b