I’ve screwed up pretty badly…  This past Sunday, the 9th, I SIed.  Kinda. Not as bad as what I was thinking of doing!  But it’s still really bad. 

I’ve had nightmares again…  I want to hurt myself because I’m not pretty like my sister, nor smart like my little brother, I’m just nothing…

No matter what I do it’s wrong.  I stand up for myself and my mom tells me to “check my attidude”?!  I say nothing what-so-ever and my mom thinks I’m pouting?  I’m trying to stay out of trouble!  If I breath the wrong way my little brother goes postal on me, screaming, yelling and tearing me apart by saying everything I know is true.  “You’re so stupid” “You’re only here to clean” “You’re just a boss witch”…  The list goes on and on…  And I can’t do anything but sit here and try not to break down crying.

My mom is always telling my little sister how beautiful she is, and it’s true!  She’s really pretty.  But she doesn’t say anything to me except how I used to look so cute when I was younger…  And I’ve tried lots of things to try and be pretty! 

I don’t normally wear make up, but a couple of weeks ago I did.  And my mom helped me put it on, then she told me to look in the mirror.  I looked good, for a first, and she said “Ya didn’t know you could be so pretty did you?”.  I almost cried and ruined the make up.

I’ve made sure my hair curls more, and she doesn’t say anything about it…  Her hair has always been curly, so when mine started to curl more I tried to help it along.  She doesn’t seem to care or notice…  So what’s the point?

What’s the point of trying to smile when I feel like crap?  What’s the point of getting out of bed when all that happens is I get yelled at and in trouble?

I haven’t been able to take drives ED because first off, no one has time to take me/teach me.  Second we’re to poor to pay for me to get lessons.

So my mom says the other day: “We have to move so that we can get you driving.”  Like I didn’t want to learn!  I want to learn, I’m a better driver then my 23 year old brother who went through lessons!

I’m homeschooled, and I’m the stupidest kid in my family…  I’ve failed English over and over again…  I have problems with learning.  And I don’t understand what I read, I understand when people tell me what to do but reading it makes no since.

 I just don’t understand what I’m gonna do!  I’m 18 and on my 19th birthday (In October) it’ll be one year since I REALLY SIed badly… 

 I’ve only got one friend and when we talk I always feel like I’m just complaining.

And I’m scared to death one day he’ll figure out he doesn’t have to put up with my whining and crying and…  If he leaves I’ll be completely alone!  And the worse part is…  Even though I have him, I don’t really…  He lives in Scottland and we’ve never met face to face.  It’d be easy for him to vanish if he felt like it.

Sadly I already think I’m losing him…  He’s rarely online and we don’t talk much when he is.

 I’m sorry if you’ve wasted your time reading this whole thing…  It’s really just me trying to get it out.  I’ve bottled it all up for so long it was driving me crazy. 

I know that it doesn’t matter…  Because I don’t really matter…  Again I’m sorry for wasting your time, but thanks for caring enough to read.