Ive been cramped inside this house for 17 years. Ive done nothing, rarely going out with friends but still maintaining the “popular girl” reputation, getting in trouble for no reason everytime I leave the confidement of my bedroom. Only this summer have I been given any freedom whatsoever. And during that time I have been the happiest I have been in my whole life. Ive never felt the complete and utter bliss of being with my friends, the people I truely love. The people that keep me alive, keep me pushing through. People who never brought me down, tried to push and push me academically(as if having my mother as a teacher isnt enough) Ive never been able to feel the freedom, driving down the highway with music blaring, windblowing my hair. Ive experienced things this summer I never have before. Ive met people that have changed my life, Ive been able to put some of my past IN the past. complete tranquility. 100% happiness. I thought that things were turning around. Ive respected my parents. Ive called;Ive come home on time EVERY NIGHT. Ive never asked to stay out later, or didnt come home without calling or telling them anything. So why is it that this one night, the ONE time that I come home a half hour late, Does everything break loose. As is they even care.
Its all about control. They live off the control they have on me.The freedom to yell at me whenever/wherever, the freedom to punish me, take my car, my laptop, my phone, my friends. How simple it is for them to take out the anger of their lousy lives to ruin my life. Its as if they want to mold me to be miserable the rest of my life like they are. When everyday Im struggling to live a life of success, happiness, and to cherish all of my friendships that I want so badly. They just dont understand that all their attention that they are putting on my brother, they WANT him to go out, they want him to come home late, and thats not what he wants. They want me to stay in, to come home at sundown, and thats not what I want. They are worried about him, when they should open there eyes and see the signs. Im the one on the brink.
Today I resulted to SI. Its not as if I havent before, that would be an understatement. id like to never do it again, but Im just falling into the blue.
“I hate this feeling. Like I’m here, but I’m not. Like someone cares. But they don’t. Like I belong somewhere else, anywhere but here, and escape lies just past that snowy window, cool and crisp as the February air. I considered the streets beyond, bleak as the bleached bones of wilderness scaffolding my heart. Just a stone’s throw away.”-Ellen hopkins
i just want peace.