So today (Saturday) was my cousin’s babyshower. Lately I haven’t been going to any family functions/ get togethers, I’ve just had too much on my mind and haven’t really felt like dealing with family. So for some reason I decided to go this time. I guess I thought maybe being around family would do me some good being that I have been extremely depressed lately. So, I get there and the moment I walk in I automatically feel uncomfortable. These are my relatives and I feel like they have become total strangers. I tried to talk to a few, but it just felt awkward. I don’t know if it was because I had been absent from the family for so long, that I’ve pushed everyone too far away. Or if I just made it awkward…
Anyways, this happened a few weeks ago i just haven’t been on for a while. So last night my family had a barbeque because my grandma was in town from Arizona. I decided this time that I would try my best to rid myself of the idea that I’ve pushed everyone away. I took my boyfriend (which my family doesn’t know about) in hopes that he would make me feel more comfortable. Since this was the first time I was bringing him to a family function I introduced him as my friend, just so there wouldn’t be that much tension. Everyone seemed to like him, my uncles, older brothers even my cousins. As the day went on I began feeling more and more at home. My boyfriend helped me get passed all the negative thoughts and feelings I was having which allowed me to enjoy myself. Everything was going good until my older cousin had a breakdown and started making a commotion, yelling at anyone and everyone. Things got pretty hectic and so my boyfriend and I decided to leave. He saw that I wasn’t quite myself so he took me to a park to talk.
I was able to get a lot of my chest (not everything) but this is the most I’ve ever been open. We were sitting on a bench and out of nowhere he hugged me and I came to a realization that without him, I probably wouldn’t be alive. He’s been the anchor thats been keeping me from giving in and letting everything go. You would think after something like that one would feel happy or content but it scared me. I just didn’t understand how he could love me. How someone could still be there after everything I’ve put him through. The sleepless nights filled with talks, the many attempts of trying to stop me from SIing… I just don’t understand why a person would stay and put up with that. I don’t want to ruin his life by continually being the weak one. But I can’t see myself living without him. We’ve went through so much and I don’t think I can ever be this close to another person.
I think what I’m trying to say is that I’m scared of love. Scared that someone might actually love me. Even more scared to admit that I can actually love someone else. And maybe even scared that through love I’ll be saved.