I’ve recently fell back into my old habits of SI. I’ve opened up to a few of my closest friends, but it seems like every time I try to talk to them, and tell them how I feel, they’re disappointed in me. Some of them have come out and told me that I disappoint them every time I SI. Others have told me that every time I do, they’ll do it to themselves 100x worse. I feel like I’m not only ruining my life, but everyone who cares about me. I want to stop, but I don’t know how I can. I’ve stopped before, but now that I’ve fallen back in, I’m not sure if I can get out again.

My friends, they look at me differently now, the ones who know. I see it in their eyes that every time they look at me, they feel pain. I know I’m hurting them and I don’t want to. Sometimes I wish I’d never met them, so I could just end it and nobody would miss me. But I could never do that to them now.

I feel trapped.