Wow..It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I’m going to try and post more often, this site really helps. 🙂 And sorry this post is so long, I’m just sort of typing out my feelings write now cause I’ve found that helps too. You don’t need to read this at all.
Well, it’s August already and I can’t believe it. I’m really dreading school. I’m terrified I won’t get the same lunch period with my friends. If I don’t I don’t know what I’m doing for lunch. I really hate high school.
Also, I think I figured out one of my main problems. And please don’t anyone take this the wrong way because I love my parents to death and would do anything for them, but they are one of my biggest problems. Not them, but their fighting.
Since I was little they always bickered about the simplest things. I grew up with that constant yelling and screaming. It was so bad once my mom was telling me to call the cops. I was nine when that happened. I remember nights when I had to stay in my sister’s room and try to explain that they were just having a little fight. I was only eleven, and she was only six. And what made things worse, was my mom and I are really close, and I’m happy about that but in a way it is a bad thing. I grew up listening to her problems and why she was always so angry with my dad. And because of all of that since I was so young, I grew up not at all close with my dad. And that makes me feel so bad. I wish I could change it, but I can’t.
And lately, I will admit, I haven’t been close to God at all. Not for a year or so, but I’ve tried so hard, but it just never comes. I can never feel him in my life anymore. But for an example, I took a vacation with my family and I was feeling better. I was almost seeing God in my life again. Then I met this guy (Sorry for the guy drama, I know it’s not important but it is a big part of this) and he really opened me up. Like, I wasn’t afraid to talk to him. I wasn’t afraid to be myself. But we live in way different states across the country, so I can’t help thinking, why? Why did God put him in my life just to be taken away again? Even though I barely knew him, I still missed him after we had to leave.
If you’ve ever seen the movie Speak (with Kristen Stewart) or even read that book, then let me just say that’s me. When I’m at school I just can’t speak. But I don’t have a reason at all. Not like her, she had something horrible happen to her, but not me. I just…can’t. Whenever someone tries to talk to me, nothing comes out. I have to plan in my head what to say, it’s not natural at all. I talked so little this school year, some people didn’t know if I knew English or not. (I’m Asian)
Back to the people getting ripped out of my life, I’m realizing it’s a pattern. A horrific pattern. The summer before 8th grade was when this all started. First off, one of my best friends moved. Then my pastor of twelve years had to move to another church. Then my grandmother died, and I was really close to her. That was way too much for me to handle, at least all at once. It took place within the same month! That’s when i started SI. Summer before 9th grade year, my very dearest and closet friend just stopped talking to me. She wouldn’t say hi or anything at school. She didn’t move, but it was as good as. Then the first month of high school, freshman year, I lost this guy I thought I loved (I still think that I did, I mean I know I don’t anymore, but I believe I really did back then) and I lost my best guy friend ever. I tried telling him I missed him, but he just said “Ok”. That hurt. Then this summer, I made a new best friend. She helped me out with all this SI stuff and she was the one who convinced me to tell my mom about my depression and eating disorders. And of course, now she has to go to boarding school and is moving as well. I just can’t see how God takes away all these people from me. All the time I wonder, Who’s next?
Then there’s my little sister. She’s ten now and going into fourth grade. I love her to death and would do absolutely anything for her, but I’m scared I’m having too much of an influence on her. Like now she’s withdrawing from her friends and never wants to do anything. Just like me. I’m scared to death she’s going to turn out like me and it’ll be my fault. I don’t want that at all. I want her to have the happiest life and the best years ever in high school. And too make things even better, my sister has a lot of friends who are a only child, or the oldest girl in their family, like her best friend. And her mom just told my mom how much she looks up to me too! See, on the outside I’m a good, obedient girl, but on the inside I’m absolutely shattered and screaming. I couldn’t bear it if I ruined her life too.
And now my dad is saying I have to get involved with things at high school. I don’t know if I can. There’s really only sports and I’m no good at sports, but he’s insisting I do basketball. So I might just to make him happy, but I really don’t want to. I know he’s not too proud of me, but I don’t know what to do about that.
All of this pressure is really getting to me. With school coming up and all, I don’t know what to do. Oh, and I used to go to this small Christain school, only eleven kids in my 8th grade class, and none of us talk anymore. I only talk to two of them now. And well, that’s where my best guy friend and I met. So, I told you how he didn’t care that I wanted to be friends again, well now he keeps texting me and he called and said happy birthday, which surprised me a lot. I’m so confused by this!! He went a whole year and just watched me fall and stay down, but now he is being friendly? I really don’t want to be his friend again because of who he became and who I became. I just don’t know what to do!
But what frightens me most is that I’m not sure I can make this whole year. Last year I managed because at the very least I had lunch with my few friends. But what about this year? If I don’t have lunch with them I know I’ll probably end up hiding in the bathroom. (I know that is so, so pathetic, but I don’t know what else to do) And I really don’t think I can live a year like that.
Too be honest, I wasn’t thinking I’d get to see this year, but I did. I guess that’s something to be proud of. I don’t know. I’m really just going crazy with terror. Everyone who reads this must think I’m insane for hating school so much, but I do. I really do. You’re probably thinking, ‘It’s just school. A seven hour day, get over it!’ But it’s more than that to me. It’s seven hours of not talking, hiding from people, and wanting to break down and cry the whole time.
It’s a silent scream. I’ve told my parents and I’m actually taking counseling, but they don’t seem to get how bad depression hurts. I don’t think they even know I have it because it’s a hard topic. They avoid it, but I’m not sure if that’s so good for me. I mean, it’s hard for me to talk about it too, but still. And latley, I can’t sleep. One because I just can’t get my self to fall asleep, and two because I’m scared to sleep. I keep having all these nightmares and it’s bothering me a lot. And I keep getting all these bad head aches, I’m known to get migranes too, and my parents never believe me when I do. I think it’s just because I’m so stressed out.
I just really need someone to save me. Or maybe I’m beyond help? Who knows…