Wow..It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I’m going to try and post more often, this site really helps. 🙂 And sorry this post is so long, I’m just sort of typing out my feelings write now cause I’ve found that helps too. You don’t need to read this at all.
Well, it’s August already and I can’t believe it. I’m really dreading school. I’m terrified I won’t get the same lunch period with my friends. If I don’t I don’t know what I’m doing for lunch. I really hate high school.
Also, I think I figured out one of my main problems. And please don’t anyone take this the wrong way because I love my parents to death and would do anything for them, but they are one of my biggest problems. Not them, but their fighting.
Since I was little they always bickered about the simplest things. I grew up with that constant yelling and screaming. It was so bad once my mom was telling me to call the cops. I was nine when that happened. I remember nights when I had to stay in my sister’s room and try to explain that they were just having a little fight. I was only eleven, and she was only six. And what made things worse, was my mom and I are really close, and I’m happy about that but in a way it is a bad thing. I grew up listening to her problems and why she was always so angry with my dad. And because of all of that since I was so young, I grew up not at all close with my dad. And that makes me feel so bad. I wish I could change it, but I can’t.
And lately, I will admit, I haven’t been close to God at all. Not for a year or so, but I’ve tried so hard, but it just never comes. I can never feel him in my life anymore. But for an example, I took a vacation with my family and I was feeling better. I was almost seeing God in my life again. Then I met this guy (Sorry for the guy drama, I know it’s not important but it is a big part of this) and he really opened me up. Like, I wasn’t afraid to talk to him. I wasn’t afraid to be myself. But we live in way different states across the country, so I can’t help thinking, why? Why did God put him in my life just to be taken away again? Even though I barely knew him, I still missed him after we had to leave.
If you’ve ever seen the movie Speak (with Kristen Stewart) or even read that book, then let me just say that’s me. When I’m at school I just can’t speak. But I don’t have a reason at all. Not like her, she had something horrible happen to her, but not me. I just…can’t. Whenever someone tries to talk to me, nothing comes out. I have to plan in my head what to say, it’s not natural at all. I talked so little this school year, some people didn’t know if I knew English or not. (I’m Asian)
Back to the people getting ripped out of my life, I’m realizing it’s a pattern. A horrific pattern. The summer before 8th grade was when this all started. First off, one of my best friends moved. Then my pastor of twelve years had to move to another church. Then my grandmother died, and I was really close to her. That was way too much for me to handle, at least all at once. It took place within the same month! That’s when i started SI. Summer before 9th grade year, my very dearest and closet friend just stopped talking to me. She wouldn’t say hi or anything at school. She didn’t move, but it was as good as. Then the first month of high school, freshman year, I lost this guy I thought I loved (I still think that I did, I mean I know I don’t anymore, but I believe I really did back then) and I lost my best guy friend ever. I tried telling him I missed him, but he just said “Ok”. That hurt. Then this summer, I made a new best friend. She helped me out with all this SI stuff and she was the one who convinced me to tell my mom about my depression and eating disorders. And of course, now she has to go to boarding school and is moving as well. I just can’t see how God takes away all these people from me. All the time I wonder, Who’s next?
Then there’s my little sister. She’s ten now and going into fourth grade. I love her to death and would do absolutely anything for her, but I’m scared I’m having too much of an influence on her. Like now she’s withdrawing from her friends and never wants to do anything. Just like me. I’m scared to death she’s going to turn out like me and it’ll be my fault. I don’t want that at all. I want her to have the happiest life and the best years ever in high school. And too make things even better, my sister has a lot of friends who are a only child, or the oldest girl in their family, like her best friend. And her mom just told my mom how much she looks up to me too! See, on the outside I’m a good, obedient girl, but on the inside I’m absolutely shattered and screaming. I couldn’t bear it if I ruined her life too.
And now my dad is saying I have to get involved with things at high school. I don’t know if I can. There’s really only sports and I’m no good at sports, but he’s insisting I do basketball. So I might just to make him happy, but I really don’t want to. I know he’s not too proud of me, but I don’t know what to do about that.
All of this pressure is really getting to me. With school coming up and all, I don’t know what to do. Oh, and I used to go to this small Christain school, only eleven kids in my 8th grade class, and none of us talk anymore. I only talk to two of them now. And well, that’s where my best guy friend and I met. So, I told you how he didn’t care that I wanted to be friends again, well now he keeps texting me and he called and said happy birthday, which surprised me a lot. I’m so confused by this!! He went a whole year and just watched me fall and stay down, but now he is being friendly? I really don’t want to be his friend again because of who he became and who I became. I just don’t know what to do!
But what frightens me most is that I’m not sure I can make this whole year. Last year I managed because at the very least I had lunch with my few friends. But what about this year? If I don’t have lunch with them I know I’ll probably end up hiding in the bathroom. (I know that is so, so pathetic, but I don’t know what else to do) And I really don’t think I can live a year like that.
Too be honest, I wasn’t thinking I’d get to see this year, but I did. I guess that’s something to be proud of. I don’t know. I’m really just going crazy with terror. Everyone who reads this must think I’m insane for hating school so much, but I do. I really do. You’re probably thinking, ‘It’s just school. A seven hour day, get over it!’ But it’s more than that to me. It’s seven hours of not talking, hiding from people, and wanting to break down and cry the whole time.
It’s a silent scream. I’ve told my parents and I’m actually taking counseling, but they don’t seem to get how bad depression hurts. I don’t think they even know I have it because it’s a hard topic. They avoid it, but I’m not sure if that’s so good for me. I mean, it’s hard for me to talk about it too, but still. And latley, I can’t sleep. One because I just can’t get my self to fall asleep, and two because I’m scared to sleep. I keep having all these nightmares and it’s bothering me a lot. And I keep getting all these bad head aches, I’m known to get migranes too, and my parents never believe me when I do. I think it’s just because I’m so stressed out.
I just really need someone to save me. Or maybe I’m beyond help? Who knows…
First off, You’re NOT beyond help. You just don’t know where to find it.
Second, wow girl… Reading this just made me think of how I was last year;
I don’t talk to people. I have one friend and he lives in Scottland! I don’t talk to people IRL but I talk to some people online (typing is easier then speaking). My family found out about my SI because my little sister (who’s more of a big sister) found my tool… My mom didn’t want to talk about, she thought I was doing it because of the people I talked to online and took away my computer. Without my computer I had no friends… I was completely alone…
Well I kept an online diary and, again, my sister found it and she showed it to my mom who printed it out and then took me to a hotel and we talked. We talked until four AM… And I felt sooo much better! I just cried and talked and told her everything.
About my headaches, about that little voice inside of me saying that I was worthless and that I souldn’t me alive, about my nightmares, about my one friend who I love very much, everything.
As we talked my whole family, and this lady who none of us really knew, was praying for me. And I could feel God with me.
I haven’t had that voice ever talk to me again.
Yeah I still want to SI sometimes when stuff goes really bad, but I refuse to give in.
And my family doesn’t want to talk about how I was last year, so even though I think we should we aren’t.
God really helped save me. And so did my family. Don’t ever give up hope, and never stop believing God is with you. Because it only gets lonelier when you turn your back on him.
btw:
If you need someone to talk to you can email me at”
godrulesalwayshas@hotmail.com
I’ve been there. Still there to a degree. I can understand and I want to help.
~Katelyn
hi there.
wow. you are going through alot!
im not really in the same situation, but i kinda am. [i know that doesnt really make sence.]
i hate school. absolutely hate it. most of my friends that i hang out with know about my SI, but some of them dont. i hate school cause im always afraid to wear certain clothes for fear that somone might see my scars or injuries.
last year i didnt have lunch with any of my friends, and i felt so alone. i really hope i have lunch with them this year.
this probably isnt much help. sorry.
<3 katey.
if you want to talk, you can email me at kateykasowski@yahoo.com
🙂
i don’t think you’re beyond help,everyone has their own story….for me high school too was difficult.i was known for all the wrong reasons,guys loved me,sure,people liked my personality,i was the “wild child”!And then my secret got out.The entire school knew me for doing SI…talk about luck!people walked pass me just to see if they could have gotten a glimpse of my injuries {the school’s uniform was a skirt}..I too had/have a friend who lives an hour+ away,but because he lives so far away,it made me easier to talk to him.Even until now,i cannot hide from him,just by hearing my voice he can tell when something’s wrong…i must admit it was a hard road with him..After the whole SI rumors about me there were many with him{thanks to his ex gf}…yet i never let him go…until things were too rough..nevertheless,he’s my boyfriend now and hopefully we work….hopefully….anyway back at high school, someone reported me to my school’s counselor….the man called me a “satanic lesbian” ha! i must say i enjoyed playing with his head {he was trying to convert me to his religion}..he said “you don’t know what its like with the things you do”…i remember i SI the night before and he saw it he touched my hand and said “ouch”….my response “what?something wrong?can i help you?because i do know what it’s like,i do know how it is to be an alcoholic,to SI”..i honestly didn’t have a problem with the sessions but he was too demanding it was ‘do as i tell u to do!’….and of course i don’t believe like that…after him my school and yes i said school,made rumors that i was in an “adult” film business….I’m 18 and still haven’t done anything like that :s …..what I’m trying to say is, school and be rough and tough,home too can be the same…my dad was in an accident which almost claimed his life……..then i stopped talking to him,yes i know i am cruel….and that’s where i began SI…but, its over a year and the urges are hard to deal with but i curl up and cry when i feel like doing it oh and i hug my teddy bear too!
never give up,I’m still trying,i feel alone sometimes but what can girl do!don’t let it get as far as becoming anemic! i know how that feels,it’s scary….good luck girly 🙂
Im so sorry for you elizabeth, i know how you feel, i about ended it yesterday because i was so scared and worried about school. I have a boy i love who lives in texas while i live in iowa, and it is hard to stay seperated. I am so lucky to have a best friend, who helped me survive yesterday, who helps me through everyday life. I SI and go therapy weekly. My therapist is the only other person i talk to besides my best friend. I have depression and an eating disorder and am struggling to stay alive. If you ever want to talk to me, you can contact me at dragonfairy14@hotmail.com …
Sincerely
Hollie
hi elizabeth. i just wanted to say…(i hope i don’t freak you out) but everything you put in your post sounds just like my situation…i’m 22, so i’m a little bit older, but it all still applies to me, almost like i could have written it myself…
i too have issues with my parents fighting. my mom always gripes about my dad to me, and it messed up our relationship (not that he tries very hard on our relationship either,) but her griping just makes me feel so stuck in the middle of it all….and then when i get really mad and get the courage to tell my dad how i feel, he says that my opinion doesn’t matter because their issues are their’s and not mine….but their issues affect me! ahhhh! it’s so complicated!
i have a younger brother who is 6 yrs younger than me, and i feel like i used to take out all my anger with my dad on him…we would yell and fight, and i feel like my anger has brushed off on him and i feel so responsible for that. like it’s all my fault, because it is. ugh.
i didn’t have any “real” friends in high school, and too felt so alone that eating lunch in the bathroom felt plausable…it was like torture every day.
you said: “But it’s more than that to me. It’s seven hours of not talking, hiding from people, and wanting to break down and cry the whole time.”
that’s exactly how i feel. you aren’t alone…at college i feel like i have blinders on…i drive to school, go to class, never even look anyone in the eye because i’m too embarrased, and walk back to my car and drive back home. and that happens every day…i do the same with lunch. i walk in, get food, walk out, and eat in my car. it sucks, but i just don’t know how to make friends, and it depresses me seeing everyone else talking and studying with people they know when i’ve been there 3 years and still know no one.
i just started to SI recently…if you wanna talk, e-mail me at
loverlylaurie@yahoo.com
i’d like to talk if you want to… 🙂
you also said “I keep having all these nightmares and it’s bothering me a lot. And I keep getting all these bad head aches, I’m known to get migranes too, and my parents never believe me when I do. I think it’s just because I’m so stressed out.”
that’s what started happening to me…bad vivid nightmares…and it was like the “last straw” it sent me over the edge and i had a psychotic episode…it was really scary. have you talked to your T about the night mares?
Fighting the Urge said: “As we talked my whole family, and this lady who none of us really knew, was praying for me. And I could feel God with me.
I haven’t had that voice ever talk to me again.”
this happened to me too…i got so lost and psychotic that i couldn’t think straight and it was like something was pulled out of the top of my head (i know it sounds crazy) but I know it was God taking the voice in my head away.
Please keep leaning on God and speaking out on here. You are not alone.
<3
L