It’s me(Denise)and I know it’s been a long time since I’ve blogged. I haven’t been blogging like I used to because I just don’t want to feel like a burden which I always do, but I also realize that not blogging hasn’t helped either.
I’ve been really having this battle with myself for a long time and it goes something like this. I know what I’m suppose to be doing to take care of myself and what I’m not suppose to be doing as far as self-injury, not isolating, not binging and just taking better care of myself. It’s so much as confusing as it is trying to get my mind, heart and soul together and not feel like I’m ripped into so many parts that none of it will ever come together.
It’s like for example everyday I know I have to go out and it sounds good and feels good thinking about it and I would get hyped up about it, but then it would fizzle and feel as if nothing ever happen. The same would still go for the SIing I would be alright and say oh this feels great because I haven’t acted out yet, but then I would start thinking of everything negative either past or present and also think about how hard I want that future that works out and that’s when I would just slam on the brakes and act on my anxiety and everything would be ruined again. It’s like whay happen last Friday I missed an appointment with my psychiatrist don’t really know what happen and why and I thought I really hurt her so I decided that I was a bad and mean person and took it out on myself so I have another notch sort of speaking.
I also know I’m suppose to know better because I graduated the program about a year ago and I should know that there are other ways to cope, but it’s when I think too much and say to myself forget about it that it all goes to pieces and I feel like I’m right back to square one. I get frustrated with me and think everyone else is because I really should be in a better place than I am, but going to school I realized that I should have been in a better instead of letting my mother talk me into quicking. I just wish I was so afraid of the word change or better or that you are normal and you are like everyone else with this problem treatable and not a waste of time and that you are worth something. I get so tired at times or should I say all the time because I have yet to go more than a couple of days without doing something else to myself and when I get this way I generally just give up and that’s it.