Lately, things haven’t been going so well. I’ve been in summer school, but haven’t been able to find the right inspiration to continue going. I’m ready to drop out even though there’s just three weeks left. Anyways, me and my boyfriend have been having issues here and there. We’ve been “friends” for about two years but only dating for 5 months. These past few weeks or so I’ve been having a feeling that something hasn’t been right with him. Come to find out after breaking up with his girlfriend 7 months ago, he still isn’t over her. I just feel like he’s been pulling me along on this roller coaster because he knows he probably can’t get her back.
Last night I ended up finding this inappropriate picture of a girl on his email, so I confronted him about it. That’s when everything ended up coming out. His reason for the picture was that since I can’t always be around and that he’s been having trouble getting over his ex, he needed a distraction. We ended up talking about everything. What hurt the most wasn’t the fact that he isn’t over his ex, it was the fact that he couldn’t tell me something was wrong. I explained to him that I’m here to help him even if that means that he needs to let go. And I meant that. I would rather him be happy without me, then keep getting more depressed.
Even though I meant everything I said, it feels as though my world has come crashing down. He is the only one that really has kept me going, and now I have no idea where to turn or what to do. I knew that if we ever broke up I would be a mess, and that’s how I am right now. I’m so scared to be alone because I know for a fact that I will SI. The urges are stronger then they have ever been and I just want to end it all. Each moment away from him makes it harder for me to breathe. I just can’t see myself getting over this. On top of this I’ve been having trouble with a few demons of mine and there really isn’t anyone who I can turn to. This is the first time that I’ve been this scared for my life. I’m afraid of myself, but mostly what I’m capable of doing.
If anyone one has anyone words of advice please comment. I need any help I can get.