My mom and I fight alot, we rarely get along. She doesn’t understand me and sometimes I don’t think she tries. I was abused for seven years by my father and we got help for it, talked to the police and all that but the emotional pain is still there. I don’t really have alot going for me at home so i put everything that I have into school. I got my latest report card and I can tell by my gpa that I won’t get to be valedictorian. When I think about sitting through graduation this upcoming May as someone else makes the speech that I’ve dreamt of since as far back as I can remember, I get the urge to si.  This upcoming school year I will be taking four AP classes and an upper leveled language course. The thing is that the schedule that I have picked for myself won’t allow me to take gym. If I don’t take gym then I won’t be able to graduate, how unfair is that? I spoke to my counselor about it and she says that if I play a sport after school that I could substitute it for the missing gym credit. I spoke with my mom about it and she said no after school activities. She wants me to drop one of my courses to take regular PE. If I don’t take all of the college courses that I planned on taking then I may not even have a chance at salutatorian, which would make me feel like less that a waste of space. Additionally I need some physical activities to go on my college applications so that I will seem “well rounded”.  My mom chastised me because she said that I needed to “take it easy my senior year” I just wish that she saw how hard it is for me to do that, how badly it hurts me thatI’ll never be the perfect student. When my report card came my mother hid it from me for a week and when she showed it to me she said ” It’s not what you said it would be”. It hurt me so much that she said that, I cried. She then got mad because I was making such a huge deal out of it.  I feel like I’ll never ever get it right. I worked so freakishly hard and i earned a semestrial gpa of 4.1 but….it still didnt do much for my cumalative.  Also, the school sent us a letter saying that I’d misplaced two books. This is proposterous as I’ve never lost a book in duration of my entire academic career…never.  My mom actually believes that I lost them and I know that is such a small thing but to me it hurts. She said that she found text books in my room. Well, I have friends in college who give me their old text books because they know I enjoy the reading. I have tons of them, none of them belong to my  highschool. I know that it was a clerical error but for right now ” I irresponsibly lost the books” and because of it I can not register for this upcoming school year until the debt is settled. My mom can’t settle the debt until she presents the letter that said that I owed for them ( at which time I’m certain it will be brought out that I did not lose said text books). She said that I lost the letter. News flash, I am currently out of state on vacation. How in the world did I misplace something and more importantly how am I to find it?

When I get home I’ll have one weekend before school starts. I have to focus on the whole gym credit issue, the book issue, the registration issue, all in addition to the normal pressure of the  Early Action college application process AND the course load for my classes. I want to si so badly, I don’t think I have any mental restraint left to not do it. I don’t know what to do. I’ve gone without doing it for four months now and I don’t want to slip back into to it. My girlfriend is trying to help me out but I don’t think she fully understands the gravity of the situation. I’m also not supposed to be talking to her ( so says my mom) because she doesn’t approve of my being a lesbian ( ridiculous, I know.). I need some advice….please. I want to be stable.