I’m worried. I keep wondering if it will be tomorrow that I cave again. I wonder why I even bother fighting through each day knowing I have overwhelming odds that tell me SI is just going to happen again. Whats the point of stopping when you know your limitations… you know how to get away with it and you know how to avoid doing too much.
My hand shakes everytime I pick up anything sharp. I feel a sharp pang in my stomach when I think of how I’ve abused these items. All I can hear is a evil voice growing inside my head, telling me “its going to happen sooner or later, why not worry about when and let go now?”
Then I fear about forgiveness. If I’ve done SI with a knowing mind, will God really forgive me? If you know that God will just forgive you, and allow yourself to sin- will he really forgive you? Or is there some period of time in which I have to wait to be forgiven? Or will I even be forgiven if in my mind I’m not entirely repentent about my SI sins. In other words sure I want forgiveness… but I’m not sorry for my SI so do I truly deserve that forgiveness?
I think I’m talking in circles here…
loretta, remember the Prodigal Son. He was only going home because he was starving and homeless…but his father didn’t even let him finish repenting, he welcomed him home and threw a big party. That’s how God loves us: all we have to do is make the smallest step toward him, even if our motives are not entirely pure, and he forgives and embraces us.
It wouldn’t be forgiveness if we deserved it.
God will always forgive. He doesn’t just say ohh im only going to forgive you a few times. No it is unconditional. He’s says if you truly repent and are sorry for your sins he will forgive you.
“I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; and I will not remember your sins. Put Me in remembrance; let us contend together; state your case, that you may be acquitted.”
Isaiah 43:25-26
“Come now and let us reason together,” says the Lord,
“Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow.”
Isaiah 1:18
“Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more.”
Hebrews 10:17
As for the SI you can stop. You can do it. Just keep perservering. Ask God for help he will help you. I’m not going to say it will be easy because that would be a lie. I have been struggling with SI for the last 10 years. It will get easier.
“Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke uponyou and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28
“Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.”
Psalm 55:22
These scriptures help me. I hope and pray they will help you. The only other thing I can do for you is pray. This I will do for you. God Bless.
God does forgive, but the biggest step is forgiving yourself. I too look at sharp objects and just want to avoid them sometimes. The thing is though, I feel like you do. I know I can get away with it, I’ve been hiding it for months…so what’s the point in not doing it? The point is, its not good for you, and it hurts more than just yourself. It’s eventually going to lead to worse if you don’t stop yourself now. You just need to forgive yourself, realize that you are only a human being and human beings make mistakes more often than not. But that there are things out there that we can do to stop ourselves. I have been SI’ing on and off for three and a half years, and I’m considered a veteran at all of this by most people I know. I’m really good at recovering, even if I’ve screwed up. Just use your resources. Want this for yourself. Call a friend. If you make mistakes, pick yourself up. And if objects make you uncomfortable, don’t be around them. That’s all there is to it.
<3, rescue