I’m worried. I keep wondering if it will be tomorrow that I cave again. I wonder why I even bother fighting through each day knowing I have overwhelming odds that tell me SI is just going to happen again. Whats the point of stopping when you know your limitations… you know how to get away with it and you know how to avoid doing too much.
My hand shakes everytime I pick up anything sharp. I feel a sharp pang in my stomach when I think of how I’ve abused these items. All I can hear is a evil voice growing inside my head, telling me “its going to happen sooner or later, why not worry about when and let go now?”
Then I fear about forgiveness. If I’ve done SI with a knowing mind, will God really forgive me? If you know that God will just forgive you, and allow yourself to sin- will he really forgive you? Or is there some period of time in which I have to wait to be forgiven? Or will I even be forgiven if in my mind I’m not entirely repentent about my SI sins. In other words sure I want forgiveness… but I’m not sorry for my SI so do I truly deserve that forgiveness?
I think I’m talking in circles here…