I am tired of pretending everything is okay. I am tired of the looks I get from friends. The look seems to analyze my every movement and facial expression. I am tired of friends asking the same questions. I know they mean well but if the next one that brings up this ‘illness’ of mine is going to make my head explode. I am sick and tired of the pointed “how are you today” with the same intonation. I’m being judged and I hate it. I absolutely abhor it. I handle things better when I’m left alone but it doesn’t look like that is going to happen anytime soon. I am tired of all of it. I want to be left alone. Alone is what I deserve.
Just know that alone time can also benefit your mental health. I had mono and stayed in bed for three weeks, home alone all day, dealing with wanting to SI and extreme depression. Turns out that the alone time allowed for self reflection and the ability to find peace and to use my imagination to get out of my own head.
Also know that there are friends and others who you might not have met yet who understand what you’re going through and who won’t scrutinize your every move and who HAVE been able to deal with things in a healthier way.
My friends seemed to do the same thing, “soooooo how are you with THAT” while pointing at me. It seems like every second I’m being judged and antagonized by these people.
However, all the staring and asking made me tell them to stop, and just leave me be. Although they loathe to ask me, having the silence is helping me relize alot that I have never thought before….
Tell them to give you space…..time to breathe.
You’re lucky … both of you — to even have friends and/or family who even care to ask. I have really nobody. But I’m also very secretive with my SIing. I lie about how I get the injuries and when people ask me how I’m doing, I give them a rhetorical answer to their rhetorical questions. I, of course, do speak to my therapist and he’s the only one who really matters. He’s the only one who really wants to know and help if I’m not doing well anyway. The people that do know about my injuries don’t ask about me anymore. They probably don’t WANT to know.
So I say be grateful people care enough to ask how you are.