Okay, first of all, I would like to apologize for not being more aware of the words and phrases I used in my first post…I wasn’t thinking about them being triggers for other people. I wasn’t thinking about anyone else reading it really, I was just writing for myself. I’ve been so selfish lately.
Thanks to the two people who left me the comments, your words and the fact that you cared are encourgaing to me.
I did a lot of thinking today, my parents both went to work, I had no where to be so I spent time alone….I slept until 2pm then I thought, I prayed and I cried…I cried A LOT. After crying like that, letting myself be flooded with emotions, I still can’t really pin point an exact reason I’m so hurting.
I am not someone who has a reason to feel this badly, I am blessed with two parents who love me, they piss me off from time to time, but my mother would do ANYTHING for me and I can count on one hand the amount of times my father has even raised his voice at me. My parents have always provided for and guided me. That is already so much more than other kids can say. I have sisters who love me and I have a handful of bestfriends who love me, they’re flakes but… they love me. I have faith, I may question it from time to time but…I really think God is there, I really do. I really think there is a plan and purpose for my life. I know all of these things, BUT I’m still overwhelmed by horrible feelings, deep down I can’t shake these.
I apologized to my parents today. They both accepted my apology but we didn’t talk AT ALL. They didn’t ask me why I acted like that, they didn’t ask about my injury, nothing. Honestly, I don’t think it’s that they don’t care I just think that they would rather sweep any bad things under the rug and go on like everything is peachy all the time. I can’t go on like that anymore. I need to talk to someone so I am going to try and get the nerve to ask my mom about going to therapy or something. I REALLY DO NOT want to bring up the self injury to her, I really really don’t want to talk to her about it, I feel like she wouldn’t understand at all, she might get angry or freak out.
I never want to injure myself again but I’m afraid I will. It made me feel better in the moment because…Idk why it just did… but now every time I look at these injuries it brings those negative emotions back to the surface, plus now I feel ashamed so in the long run it’s just making things worse. I don’t want to handle life in this negative way…this cannot lead to anywhere good. It’s going to lead me down a path I’m afraid of. I’m going to get help.
I’m going to seek help for this. I have to.