I have so much pressure on me.
I have NO clue what I’m going to do with my life. I don’t know what the next step is. My life is just a big mess. I’m just a big mess.
I believe in God and I’ve got a lot of faith…or I did…I’m scared that he isn’t real and then that means I’m just lost. Just, all alone.
My parent’s have no clue how hard my life feels right now!
I don’t drink or smoke or party because I’ve felt like life is about so much more, but…it’s hard…I’m losing friends because I have nothing in common with them if I don’t want to party. My friends are leaving me for partying, it’s more fun and interesting to them than I am. Boys don’t want me because they know I don’t give out. I’m a joke. I’ve never been this alone.
Last night, I felt like crap and my mom just pissed me off! so I freaked out, I screamed at her. I slammed my door so hard that I broke the door frame…my dad got mad about that…so I slammed it again. It was like I couldn’t help myself, I was mean, I was horrible, I was a nightmare. I couldn’t love me if I were them. I made my mom cry. I told my mom I hate her. I could never ever hate her, I love her so much. My parents are good people and they don’t deserve to be treated badly.
I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how to deal. I have honestly NEVER felt that intense in my life. I can’t even pin point an emotion, it was like I was angry and sad and lonely and so much that I couldn’t handle it all. So I injured …and I cried and cried until I thought I was going to be sick and then I fell asleep. I woke up and it was really gross and horrible.
This feeling won’t go away. I’m so sad and freaked out.
I’m not this girl, I’m not the girl who freaks out and I’m DEFINITELY not the girl who injures herself! I support twloha, I give people advice, I love people. I KNOW there are better ways to deal with my emotions but I can’t find them right now! I don’t know what to do.
I didn’t get out of bed until 3pm when I had to go to work today, I couldn’t face my parents.
A girl I work with asked me what happend to me, in front of EVERYONE and I said, “Oh! I hurt myself…” (gave a weak lie) she laughed and said “it looks you injured yourself!” and laughed. and made a really dramatic injuring motion and everyone laughed…and it hurt inside so bad. I made a joke out of it. I wanted to be like “I injured myself because I didn’t know what else to do becuase I’m freaking out inside and I need help!!!” but I couldn’t, no one can know. I’m so sweet, I’m so cute, I’m so happy and nice and loving…I can’t be an injurer . I can’t be a screw up. I put hello kitty band aids on it because it makes it look less gruesome, it makes my cute little story seem more real.
Normally I’m so nice to everyone because I genuinely care about and love people but, today it took EVERY OUNCE of self control I had not to be mean to everyone or to burst into tears anytime a customer was annoyed. I’m not like that! that’s not who I am!
This writing even sounds crazy, I’m losing my mind I think. I’m worried about myself. I’m being so selfish thinking about myself so much. There are people with real problems.
I want to SI more, that’s what I’m most afraid of. I thought I’d try it, hate it and never do it again. but like, It was gross when I woke up this morning it hurt, but when I did it…It just felt so good to cry that hard. SO good. I would do it again…and I don’t want that. I don’t want to do this again. SI scares me, it scares me so much. I am somewhere I never wanted to be. I am someone I am not supposed to be.