I’m sitting here thinking about this weekend and the effect it’s had on me since I was 9 yrs old. At that time I lost the only person in my life that protected and nurture me at least for those years. My grandmother died 7-5-1970 and ever since then I’ve done nothing but wanting to join her. Ever since she left me alone I’ve known what self-destructive behavior is and has done everything to get to where she is. Right this minute I’m finding it really hard not thinking about how much I want to SI and how I feel that will be the only way to get through this. I told my therapist & psychiatrist that the only way I’m getting through this is just hurting myself because if there is one person who has made me feel more abandon then others it’s my grandmother and that is how I feel this time of year. I can’t stop seeing how on the 4th of July she held me so tight and how the morning of the 5th she died right there on the floor. How do I not go ape and go on a SI binge when that is the only way I could relieve this emptiness I have. I really can’t but think about this and how it has haunted me all my life and how she wasn’t only my grandmother, but she was more of a mother than the one I had. I feel so alone..