I just found out my brother is going to see my abusive alcoholic sorry excuse for a father this weekend. I don’t speak to the man, which you probably assessed from my tone. My brother doesn’t really remember every wrongdoing my father did as I do. Afterall he is 4 years younger, he was too young to remember the years before my parents divorced. He never was able to comprehend why I was happy when I was told I didn’t have to continue the mandatory weekend visits. Anyways- my father recently came to me to make amends, and I accepted his apologies halfheartedly. But when he asked if we could share in a relationship again I told him no becausee he hasn’t changed. He’s still drinking which means he is probably still abusive. I mean he showed up to make amends already having downed a pint at 11 am.

Anyways… my brother still wants a relationship with the guy and I’m having a hard time being understanding. I know he’s a boy and he wants a relationship with his father but I fear any influence my biological father may have over him. I know its just a weekend and I shouldn’t worry- but I do. Part of me is also upset that he could be so forgiving, but then I remember he didn’t receive the kind of verbal abuse I did. He was always “the boy,” the prized possession that wasn’t to be touched.

I feel as though I’m being selfish. I envy any relationship they could have yet do not want one of my own. Its frustrating me beyond belief. I’m dealing with it by writing this.

On a complete other side of my mind, are my feelings for my exboyfriend. I want to be his friend but I don’t know that I can. I may still have feelings for him. Everytime I think this I try to stop myself. He doesn’t want you. He is yet another man who finds you not worth it to stick around.

And I seem to be screwing up. There are two other nice guys that have expressed interest but I can’t help but feel gunshy. I am so sick of being left. And I am so sick of linguring thoughts about the previous guy that make me want to SI just to focus my mind elsewhere. Yes I am still going strong, no SI , but I can’t help but wonder who will be the next one to chip away another part of me and break through the wall of strength I am trying to build. I’m trying to be patient but its so hard.