At the moment, i’m listening to “Goodbye Lover” by James Blunt… and it really made me think… How often have i said good bye to others in the past five years? How often did i mean it? How often have i dissappointed people? How many times have i hurt the people i love the most? How many times have i hurt myself? And why?
Everytime i listen to songs like these, sad songs that express the very things i cannot.. i ask myself questions like these. Everyday. Everytime. I just can’t help it. I’m weak. Undoubtedly. Yeah, i’ve hurt myself. (though, i’m pretty sure i can’t really explain why. Little thing called “anti-triggerring rules”, right?)
I think it’s beacause i have such little self worth. Such bottomless self esteem. What makes my life worth living as much as others? What makes my body any more fragile then someone else’s? I almost cried once, when i saw my best friend. Wanna know why? Her skin was almost virgin-like. With no self inflicted scars. And i looked at mine, and i cried for my shame. Cried for the disappointment i could feel coming from my mothers distasteful looks. Cried for the pitiless abandoment of safety i’ve taken away from myself. But most of all, i cried because i realized hat i shouldn’t be doing this.
“Tools” have been my one and only friend thru very many things. But i guess it’s time to say, “Good bye my lover, good bye my friend. you have been the one for me, Good bye my lover, goodbye my friend.”
Sometimes, I feel like that too, in a way. You feel like the people around you are slowly slipping through your fingers, and there’s nothing you can do. It really sucks, and I’ll tell you, its one of my biggest fears. I hate it. But, the thing you have to do instead of wallowing, is contact someone you know you always will have. People walk in and out of our lives, and alot of times there’s nothing we can really do about it. Just go to the people you always know will be there, the people who you still have, even if they’re temporary. We never have no one left…and there’s always God.
Uh-huh. I mean, i totally understand that whole saying “don’t worry about the people in your past, there is a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.” i mean, that makes alot of sense…But! When the future and the past are colliding and interfering with your present, when it feels like they’re closing in on you, caging you in… how can you not worry?
There are those few people that i can turn to i guess. My boyfriend. My best friends. The rare but often trusted angels God has sent to my life and i thank him for that. even if we feel utterly alone, He will always be there for us, right?
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