At the moment, i’m listening to “Goodbye Lover” by James Blunt… and it really made me think… How often have i said good bye to others in the past five years? How often did i mean it? How often have i dissappointed people? How many times have i hurt the people i love the most? How many times have i hurt myself? And why?
Everytime i listen to songs like these, sad songs that express the very things i cannot.. i ask myself questions like these. Everyday. Everytime. I just can’t help it. I’m weak. Undoubtedly. Yeah, i’ve hurt myself. (though, i’m pretty sure i can’t really explain why. Little thing called “anti-triggerring rules”, right?)
I think it’s beacause i have such little self worth. Such bottomless self esteem. What makes my life worth living as much as others? What makes my body any more fragile then someone else’s? I almost cried once, when i saw my best friend. Wanna know why? Her skin was almost virgin-like. With no self inflicted scars. And i looked at mine, and i cried for my shame. Cried for the disappointment i could feel coming from my mothers distasteful looks. Cried for the pitiless abandoment of safety i’ve taken away from myself. But most of all, i cried because i realized hat i shouldn’t be doing this.
“Tools” have been my one and only friend thru very many things. But i guess it’s time to say, “Good bye my lover, good bye my friend. you have been the one for me, Good bye my lover, goodbye my friend.”