How do you get rid of something that part of you wants to keep? How do you win a battle that is between you and yourself? How do you tell yourself to let go of something you love? How do you put down something your heart is begging to use? How do you tell yourself lifes better w/o it when you’ve depended on it for so long? How do you win when winning will make you lose something you else? How do you choose which to follow? How do you tell yourself you can live w/o the other? How do you change when you want to stay where you are? how do you find a desire to live when all hope is gone?

So i’m 16 years old and started injuring about a year ago… i was raised/ am being raised in a christian home w/ wonderful parents but that didn’t change what happened to me, i’m worried that someday i’ll go to far, i want to quit but can’t seem to fing a way to, my parents have no idea although i have told a few close friends, i wrote the above section while in a prayer meeting at my church i feel so hypocritacal because i’m the girl everyone thinks has it all, caption of the cheer squad, perfect parents, loving fam, president of fccla, and major volenteer at my church… but all faces aside i’m strugling to survive. sometimes i catch myself wondering if there is even a god out there sometimes i catch myself wondering if he really cares… the biggest problem though is that i catch myself wondering more and more… i want to find the answers but can’t i want to find answers but don’t know where to look, i want to s.i. again but am afraid someone will see here, i wanna blame my brother who did all the things to me he did, but under it all the only one i can blame is me, which just makes my want to do s.i. again and again.