In a previous entry I talked about how much I hated the isolation, that it led to my SI… now I find myself seeking isolation on purpose. I haven’t talked to my best friend in days, I’m ignoring txts from my friends, and I’ve avoided my facebook for 3 days now… oddly I feel at peace… still depressed but no SI (3 weeks). I like the quiet stillness of it all. Sometimes I think maybe if I stay in this state, I can just fall asleep… but then I remember- dying doesn’t work that way unless youre 93 or have some fatal disease
The last conversation I had with my best friend was about my depression. I was venting when something slipped out of my mouth that I had never said before. It was one of those genuine moments where your mouth speaks something you never realized you felt. I said something like “I wish I had cancer so that I had a life expectancy laid out before me” and she said something about how she “couldn’t live with out me” and that I “shouldn’t talk like that”… I said “you’d find someone else to care about ” to which she responded with a “I don’t want to,” then I said “why not? everyone else always does!”
It was the last phrase that caught my attention as tears began to roll down my cheeks out of no where. At first I didn’t know why I said that, but then I started to think about it. Maybe I have abandonment issues. I had an alcoholic father who left me. My middle school teacher whom I adored and thought of as a father figure left in the middle of my 7th grade year- I was crushed. My first boyfriend left me because I wouldn’t give him what he wanted when he wanted. My most recent boyfriend up and left without a decent explanation, saying that he couldn’t give enough time to the relationship- which I know is BS, its the excuse guys give when they want to break up with a girl gently, when all it really does is keep us from true closure… All of these events cause my stomach to drop when I think about them. They seem small potatoes when re reading this but the dark feelings I get when I reminisce suggest otherwise.
Anyways, thinking about this phrase I spit out, and dwelling on it for days, there may be a pattern. I haven’t the slightest clue what to do about it though.