In a previous entry I talked about how much I hated the isolation, that it led to my SI… now I find myself seeking isolation on purpose. I haven’t talked to my best friend in days, I’m ignoring txts from my friends, and I’ve avoided my facebook for 3 days now… oddly I feel at peace… still depressed but no SI (3 weeks). I like the quiet stillness of it all. Sometimes I think maybe if I stay in this state, I can just fall asleep… but then I remember- dying doesn’t work that way unless youre 93 or have some fatal disease
The last conversation I had with my best friend was about my depression. I was venting when something slipped out of my mouth that I had never said before. It was one of those genuine moments where your mouth speaks something you never realized you felt. I said something like “I wish I had cancer so that I had a life expectancy laid out before me” and she said something about how she “couldn’t live with out me” and that I “shouldn’t talk like that”… I said “you’d find someone else to care about ” to which she responded with a “I don’t want to,” then I said “why not? everyone else always does!”
It was the last phrase that caught my attention as tears began to roll down my cheeks out of no where. At first I didn’t know why I said that, but then I started to think about it. Maybe I have abandonment issues. I had an alcoholic father who left me. My middle school teacher whom I adored and thought of as a father figure left in the middle of my 7th grade year- I was crushed. My first boyfriend left me because I wouldn’t give him what he wanted when he wanted. My most recent boyfriend up and left without a decent explanation, saying that he couldn’t give enough time to the relationship- which I know is BS, its the excuse guys give when they want to break up with a girl gently, when all it really does is keep us from true closure… All of these events cause my stomach to drop when I think about them. They seem small potatoes when re reading this but the dark feelings I get when I reminisce suggest otherwise.
Anyways, thinking about this phrase I spit out, and dwelling on it for days, there may be a pattern. I haven’t the slightest clue what to do about it though.
Even though there may be a “pattern” of people abandoning you, from your perspective, remember that life is full of its ups and downs. I almost think (and please, don’t be offended, I’m depressed too) that we can CHOOSE, to some extent, whether we want to be happy or depressed. If we only focus on every single darn thing that went wrong in our life, heck yes we’ll be depressed!! We’re not perfect, we’re FAR from it, we always screw up every day! But i bet that you can name at least 10 good things that have happened in the past month, whether it’s something as small as having a small chat with a friend or even your sibling. Try to, every night before you go to bed, list at least 3 good things that happened today, or what you’re thankful for.
I know exactly how you feel about liking the feeling of being alone. You feel like you’re almost at peace, or the closest you can get to it. I remember I used to get irritated at everyone for any reason at all, so I was always alone, constantly. But finally my parents made me reach out to people, and now I’m grateful that I did. Isolating yourself is one of THE worst things you can do. Because then ur left to ur own devices to judge your thinking, and often times, we, at least I, have “faulty” thinking, and I talk myself into SIng or something. Just try to talk to ONE PERSON, that’s all.
Stay strong, and have faith. You can get through this!
what you say makes sense… the thing is whenever I start to feel something good about my life I get this immediate desire to punch myself in the stomach- as though I don’t deserve to be happy… I don’t know if that even makes sense. I want to shift my mind into neutral. I don’t understand this strange desire to remain in my depressed state.
Hey, Loretta, don’t worry. I’ve felt that, too. It’s what accompanies self-destructive tendencies–masochism of the mind, if you will. Like guardianangel said, it’s a choice whether or not to be happy. Depression seems to steal that choice from you, but it really doesn’t. Start out small–by doing happy activities (dancing when no one’s watching to a happy song, reading a favorite book, watching a funny movie, etc.) so that you know for sure a couple of reasons why each day is worth it.
As far as being neutral goes, it’s impossible to be objective about your own life. Don’t overthink things; just live and try to be happy.
Btw… my mom left me six years ago. Countless friends have, and boyfriends, too. It tends to make you trust people less, when people do that. Try overcoming that, first… because there are people who love you always.