well, i’m sixteen…and this isn’t my first attempt to…uh…get better. it started when i was in 7th grade, i hurt a friend, so i had to hurt myself. then i escalated in 8th grade, and tried to stop in 9th grade, with the help of a Student Assistance Program at school, my bf and first love, and my friends mostly…and my parents were…there. it didn’t last long, the relationship ended and i just broke down, and since then i haven’t lasted maybe more than a month, month and a half. although the events of this past year, my tenth grade year, has worsened it, to the point it has been almost a week of doing it pretty much everyday.
I used to do it out of hopelessness, i felt like i was the most despicable, horrid, disgusting, horrendous, perverted, gross, awful, and just bleh person ever. over time it’s changed, for the last week it’s been to just feel SOMETHING, i’ve just suddenly gone so numb it’s as if i barely exist and no matter how hard i’ve been trying i can’t feel anything, not joy, not sadness, not even anger, maybe frustration, but just barely and more so because i still can’t feel anything. it’s like i’m disassociated from everything.
it’s almost as if i’m a completely different person from the girl who finally worked up the courage to tell her mom she needed to see a therapist or something, and we finally called some places to find one. and now i wonder if i’ll be able to talk to them. or if i’ll be able to make them understand how i used to be, and how that girl is also the girl now who once was hypersensitive and might go through every emotion imaginable in one day, and today is just…empty.
it’s confusing, i feel…maybe lost. I don’t know what i feel…if anything.