I fall in love with one person over and over again and can never get things right. I missed my one and only chance at a relationship with him because i was too busy dealing with the fact that i had been raped by a drunk 24yr old guy two days before school had started this year. when he asked me out my heart wanted to say yes, but i just couldnt deal with all of the emotions of the summer and then balance a relationship. i said i wasnt ready and i guess a few weeks or a month was too long of a wait for him, so he moved on while i continued to deal on fall in love. when he broke up with alissa, i thought things would work. we were going to try and start a relationship this summer, but then things got odd. he started becoming distant and cold. when i would see him, he was different. not the same person i fell in love with, but changed. I logged on to facebook and then my heart shattered. i read those few little words and my heart was destroyed. he was now in a relationship with someone else. to be lead on and then just abandoned is way to much for me to deal with. I had already spent a week in the hospital this year, trying to deal with all of my triggers and depression. my life was finally starting to feel right, and now it is slowly slipping down that spiral into the darkness again. i wait to hit the bottom and once again not be able to breathe because things are too much to deal with. i await the injuries and overwhelming times and addicted to the SI i will become, once again.
Dont give up!! You most likely know how terrible SI is, and how hard it is to stop. Try something else, anything else, that can be a release. Get a punching bag, go running, scream your head off. ANYTHING. Don’t let yourself hit the bottom. I know that you wanna give up, but push through it. I know you can, you have the strength in you. I’m really sorry about the guy you like. Not a good situation. I can only say to try to forget about him for the meantime. You need to worry about yourself right now.
You’ll only slip if you let yourself. I know you probably won’t believe me, but you can CHOOSE to be happy and not SI. Sure, some things we can’t control, but sometimes we can control whether we want to be unhappy and whether we want to SI. Just stay strong, and always have hope.