I’m not a repetitive self harmer. Sometimes months pass without doing it, sometimes I try for weeks to stop myself from doing anything- and I usually fail. It’s been a year, almost, sinse I’ve done it. Injuries still remain. My grandma died, and my aunt is on the verge or being mentally disabled. We are related by marriage, but still it just hurts. My uncle died. In my home, in my room, while I was on a cruise. And I still can’t help but feel guilty. The only two unhappy thing that happened in this year.
I hate myself. Autophobia or whatever they call it. Everything in my life is perfect. Shiny. Pink. Sugar and Spice. Honors, success at school, even national success at exams, parents that love me, nice friends. Polite. Oh-so-polite. Only if I could believe it. I hate myself and whenever those insults fly around my head I ‘m afraid- convinced that they do too.That they despise me and that I disgust them. That I’m not normal or even abnormal that I’m just worthless … an annoyance, nothing else. When I talk, I’m afraid to bore everyone to death. Everyone to a silent mocking disdain. When will she shut up? Why is she giving herself these airs? Who are you? Vain, naive little girl. I hate these voices. I hate myself. Everytime- whenever I hear those voices. I don’t wanna be a worthless scum everyone just tolarates and pities. Yet I can’t- just convince myself that I’m something more.
I’ve been hurting myself sinse I was 7. My brother suspected it once but thinks everything’s over by now. Except him, nobody ever even suspected.
I just wanna talk to someone, but I can’t talk to my parents- they’ll creep out if they learn I’d ever hurt myself. Then they’ll start blaming themselves – I don’t want that. My sibling would hate me. My brother and sister are over 20 years older than me- ‘I’m the youngest. Compared to me they lived in poverty when they were kids. They would think me ungrateful. Hell I think I’m ungrateful. I can’t talk to my friends.They’re the ones I’m afraid of. I’m afraid of their scorn, disdain. of their carelessness. Above all that I can’t help but think they’re all lies – that those frienships are nothing but lies. Sometimes I just try too hard to say the right thing, to not give a bad impression, try too hard not to break that whatever reliationship we have. And I can’t even blame them. I know them. So whenever I see- or wish I just think I see- scorn in their eyes – can’t help but feel that I deserve it.
I’m tired. I feel like I’m trying to hold on to air. to time. Like those voices won’t shut up and I’ll fall and fall till nothing of my dreams and wishes remain. Nothing of myself will remain.
I just wanna talk to someone without fearing they would judge me. Why is that too much to ask.
No solution, can’t think of anything.
I don’t wanna start again. Just say something.