I’m not SI-ing. I don’t really want to anymore.
But I want something. To get rid of the pain. When I close my eyes, and lay my head down at night, I relieve all of the worst times in my life. And then I dream of all I want. Peace, freedom, and relief. I feel lost when I dream; when I sleep. When I’m not conscious.
I want to stay lost forever.
Being lost can mean good and bad things. In this case, I think you need to separate the two kinds of lost. Good lost—dreaming of better things, wanting good things for yourself. Bad lost—not knowing where to go, what to do, or when to ask for help.
Find yourself a comfortable place to be in, where you can get help. Here is a good place. We can’t wish the pain away, We can only wait it out. That’s the only solution. No one’s life is painless. Because then it wouldn’t make sense. But it can get easier, as we start to let go of it.
I get it. I know that feeling. It happens to me all the time – less frequently these days – and I only say that to hopefully give you hope.
What you are wanting is possible. I believe that. Getting rid of pain is possible! But I don’t believe you (or me) have to get lost in order to do that. That is what we did when we SI’d. That is what I did using many other behaviors in my life – it all came down to wanting to get lost – wanting to numb. Remember, love is the movement – rescue is possible – just for today, you can live and love – just for today you can put it back together – tomorrow will take care of itself, so for today hope for a smile, hope for a laugh, hope for something to love. It is possible, dream it, believe it, act on it.
If no one has told you they love you today, then I love you. And life doesnt have to be like this –