so my mom works at a hospital, and she sees alot of people who come in who have si’ed pretty badly. the other night i was waiting up for her like usual and she came home and she asked me why i “used” to si. she doesnt know i still slip up every once in a while.  anyways i just looked at her, im like mom lets not talk about this. and then she goes off on how shew ill never accept HERSELF for my problem. im like what are you talking about how is it YOUR fault? Shes like you never told me why you si’ed. i never found the root to it.. i just sat there and looked at her, and changed the subject.  i cant just be like, hey mom well when i FIRST had sex the guy totally screwed me over. my friends never understood it, i was never happy at home and YOU made my life miserable by not letting me do what i wanted to do. you knnew i was a good kid but you STILL made me stay home for all the school dances. you KNEW i wouldnt touch drugs, but you STILL didnt let me go to a party all throughout high school.  why did i si?  because i needed to feel life, to feel something. now i have to scars to prove it. sometimes i like my scars. they make me feel alive and real.  sometimes i hate them, they make me feel ugly and insecure and stupid.  and finally here i thought i had a good relationship 7 years after i first sied and this guy just up and leaves. never says why, never tells me if im doing something wrong. the past week ive been thinking to myself, what did i do? where did i go wrong? ive been si free for 2 weeks, i cant do it anymore my mom pays too much attention even tho she thinks i stopped 4 years ago. but i still find a little stop to make it feel better.

ugh idk im just going in circles. nothing ever seems to go right. i have my weight under control, but one day i dont stick to my work out im up again and its stressing me out.

idk. im sorry i just keep going on and on.